I don’t have a picture of Corey, but this is Jackson, a proper gentleman who crosses his paws.
“Do you ever feel like you’re just holding on by a thread?” my friend Corey asks me as she pulls her front door shut behind her. Jackson, her 8-ish-year-old black lab who has a perfect white beard, is walking down the porch steps with his tail at 180 bpm: he knows a 45-minute walk around the ‘hood is up next. I kind of want to laugh at Corey’s question; after all, hasn’t she walked with me—kinda neurotic, usually controlling, regularly anxious, moderately depressed me—for the past five or so years?
“Um, yes, pretty much every hour on the hour,” I say, and I do laugh. “What’s going on?” And we’re off in both respects: passing dried-out, bleached lawns of a Colorado March as we roll through our respective updates on families, partners, work, parents, life. “I definitely want your opinion on this,” I will say prior to launching into a tricky situation; “I totally needed to hear that,” she’ll say when I offer a different perspective on something that has her prickly.
Corey is not a runner, and I’m grateful for that; our weekly walks don’t have any tinge of a replacement run. Instead, they have their individual texture, filling me with Vitamin D, and the honesty only a close friend can offer. They are a key feature of my mental health, so when I get a can u walk? text from her, I’ll pretty much do anything to make it happen.
Both IRL and in our books and podcast, I have not been shy about airing the mental hurdles I regularly hit. So as we come upon my 50th birthday in May and my third set of 10 tenets that I’ve learned along the way, I’m taking a deep inhale, an even longer exhale, and sharing 10 Rules for Mental Health—or what I do when things aren’t as rosy as I’d hope for them to be.
[Read Dimity’s 10 Rules for Workouts and 10 Rules for Running Injuries]
1. Talk to a willing ear.
I can spin stories in my head faster than a tilt-a-whirl. Similarly, I can easily lose a sense of perspective: how truly horrible is that situation that has me spinning? (Chances are, not super horrible.)
Having at least one person who will listen without judgment but offer insight is non-negotiable. That may be a therapist, a BRF, a co-worker, a walking partner like Corey. (It may not be your closest childhood friend, and it’s likely not your mother or partner.) I hit a wall in December 2020, and recommitted to talk therapy. I was thrilled to find my best fit for a therapist ever. I adored her. And then she retired.
It’s a grind to find a new therapist. Plus, I would rather spend money on new shoes, good food, or even a chin wax, but I know I need to get back to it. (As does Corey, who gently recommended to me the other day that it’s probably time to start the search again.)
2. Realize that what worked two—or five—years ago may not work now.
OG’s will know that I have been on anti-depressant meds since Ben, almost 16, was about one year old.
I can’t lie: I look forward to the day that I may not need them—and admitting I still do need them still elicits tears from me—but I’ve come to a reluctant acceptance of them. Partly because of this exchange I had at a January 2020 check-up (read: two months before everything changed):
“Everything is really good. I think I’m ready to wean off the meds,” I said.
“You just said everything is really good,” my smart nurse practitioner replied, “Why would you change it?”
Anyway, in 2016, I had the courage to reevaluate the prescription I had been on for the previous nine years. And now, in 2022, I am firmly perimenopausal (see ya, estrogen!) and, after one particularly rough string of weeks, I made an appointment with a OB/GYN who specializes in perimenopause. Her first suggestion was seeing a psychiatrist to see if my meds are still working. She followed that up with some thoughts on hormones and iron. I’m supplementing both of those now, and am ready to see what else we can improve.
Over time, my boobs sag more, my hands sprout new wrinkles. Why would I pretend my brain doesn’t change too?
3. Limit stimulation, Part I.
When my mind feels like I’m standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon, I make a conscious effort to not look down—or rile things up further.
If I need to drive somewhere, I’ll leave 10 minutes before I normally would to alleviate the anxiety of potential traffic, parking, getting lost, etc.
If I’m at home, I’ll take a break and go outside and scoop dog poop (if it’s not frozen into the snow). Odd, I realize, but there’s something strangely cathartic about both the picking-dumping pattern and admiring a clean lawn afterward.
Baths with a beach-worthy book are great, as is watching a TV show and ONLY watching IT. (No phone in hand, no laundry folding, just concentrating on one screen, ideally with a blanket over your reclining body.) I just watched Bob Ross: Happy Accidents, Betrayal, & Greed. Despite the last two aspects, it was suitably soothing.
“Gus and his four favorite teeth.” Seriously, you need We Rate Dogs in your IG feed.
4. Limit stimulation, Part II.
We all know our phones are a double-edged sword.
Yes, I love my Wordle and texts from friends, but Lordy, sometimes it’s just too much. Probably not surprising to anybody, but the news cycle is particularly gifted in getting me to spiral. On blah days, I limit my news consumption to just one scroll through the Associated Press app and possibly watching one 30-minute nightly national news broadcast. Those 35 minutes are plenty to hit the major news without getting too deep into the details.
Similarly, I listen to classical music or a benign audio book in the car. My nervous system doesn’t need NPR or murder podcasts.
Finally, I’m not your mother so I won’t yell, Get off social media! like I do to my kids, but I will say this: set a timer or only go to places and pages that make you smile. (We Rate Dogs, anyone?)
5. Organize your day.
I know, I know. On days when you’re either drooling in bed or pulsating like a raw nerve, the idea of being structured feels suffocating.
But I’m here to say, a to-do list is a really helpful tool. Take a few minutes to write down what tasks are on your whirring mind for work/family/home. And then—this part is key—star (*) the ones that absolutely must get done today. Ideally, you * no more than three things. Starting with your *s makes things feel much more doable and possible.
Plus, there’s momentum in checking boxes, and you may just get five or six things done. (Woohoo! Look at you!)
Diversions for when I’m at my (grossly grimy) keyboard.
6. Assemble a self-care kit in key places.
When you’re needing to hustle to get out a report (read: no time for scooping the poop) or in a rush, grab for easy soothers. Could be an Altoid in the car (I love a minty mouth!) or delish hand lotion above the sink.
On my desk is pu pu platter of grab-and-breathe gems that are, not coincidentally, mostly gifts. Two crystals from a family trip; Pym Original Mood Chews (a gift from Ellie the dietician); locally-made Crystal Clear oil (a gift from my sister); the Cottage Greenhouse Cucumber + Honey Lip Repair (yes, $8 on lip balm is excessive but I love, love this stuff); and a Native Nectar candle (also a gift).
Does the oil really,”release anyone’s energy that isn’t mine or for my highest good” like it claims to? Not sure. Do the mood chews make a difference? Hard for me to tell. But I do like taking a concrete action in service of shifting my mood. Placebo or not, I’m happy with the results.
7. Nidra instead of nap.
During January and early February, I found myself taking a short afternoon nap. (Yay for WFH!) While I’ll never criticize a nap, I am also very aware that my post-nap state isn’t super productive, even when I limit it to a 20-minute disco version.
I saw a mention of Yoga Nidra on the Insight Timer app, and was reminded of the first time I tried it about 15 years ago on a floor of a hotel room during family spring break. My mom recommended it when she noticed I was wiped from “vacationing” with toddlers.
Yoga Nidra literally means Yogic sleep, a state in which the body is completely relaxed and your mind is focused on a set of inward instructions. To me, it feels more refreshing than a nap, and it’s my current choice for a midday break when I need one.
Want to try it? I love this free 20-minute Yoga Nidra Meditation on Insight Timer.
8. Change the scene.
This theme has already kind of emerged: walk, scoop poop, take a nap, but I wanted to state it more clearly.
When I’m headed a little too deep, I consciously try to change something physical.
I’ll take my laptop to the kitchen table and work there, instead of in my office. Or I’ll go move the laundry. Or put water on the stove for tea and stay in the kitchen until it’s ready. Intentionally moving my body—and, along the way, trying to feel my feet on the steps or my hand lifting the kettle—shifts my focus just enough to slow the fixating.
My best smiles are when I’m in fresh air and moving forward.
9. Exercise.
Shocker, I know: letting my pores pour is still on my top-ten list for managing my mental health.
The lack of any visual/audio stimulation in the pool is lovely, while the competition during a Zwift race requires all my focus and energy. Whether I’m breaststroking to cool down or on a 10% hill climb on the bike or downward dogging on a yoga mat, I know this to be true: a workout will always benefit my mind as much as it does my body.
10. When all else fails, spend some time in child’s pose.
One of my go-to moves for relieving my back these days is child’s pose, a simple but so lovely yoga pose that lets me take a mental health break as I stretch out my back. My forehead on the mat as I shut out the world, my belly presses against my thighs as I concentrate on inhaling deeply. I remind myself I am supported by the earth, and when all else fails, my only job is to breathe.
This was a terrific list. Thank you for being so authentic!
Echoing Marianne. What a wonderful collection of mental health tools.
Fantastic list, Dimity. I am inspired to try making my own top 10 lists! These are great and it’s amazing how we can forget what works, even though we do them.
So many of these rang true!!! Thank you!
Thank you for being so real and for sharing these ideas, all of which are worth considering and seeing what works. One of the many reasons I love this community.
Really, really good. Thank you, Dimity!
I look back at my life five years ago. Getting up at 3:45 for a short spin (yes outside) or a run or swim, training for 70.3s, then commuting to work for 45 min. to face a caseload of over 60 kiddos (preschoolers!) and administrators, staff, parents, meetings after work….those were long but satisfying days. I was a part of something bigger that made a difference and that for me still holds true. Now retired I have many “jobs” in my community that makes be feel worthwhile and useful. That is the key for me. Happy early b’day. I kinda remember 50….had an out of control teenager and was a single, “ballet” mom, trying to juggle it all. Like 68 much better!
relaxation-type of steps, e.g. lie in corpse pose, start at the top of your head and tense/release the muscles there, and move down your body tensing and releasing. Huge anxiety buster (anxiety is the flavor of the day at our house more than depression).
diet. We hate to hear that word, but over- or under-eating does not help anxiety. Focus on simple rules (20g of protein + fruit and/or veg at every meal), remind yourself that Samoas only help your mood for about 10 minutes :)
Manage your stress, which goes along with the list making. Consciously remind yourself what you have control over and what you don’t – and then let go of what you don’t. My dear cousin told me 15 years ago that “worry is negative goal setting.” Even though he is gone, his wise words live on – because he’s right.
OH one more thing. SERVICE. Learned this in 12 step meetings. Stepping out of my own head to set up chairs, or grab a box of pasta from the pantry, or pick up a dead beer can and stick it in the recycling – it always gives a boost and serves as a disruptor to my inner spiral. Has to be balanced with not overdoing the helping thing (if you tend to codependency).
Keep sharing! I will hit 50 in April and am experiencing many of the same things you are — physically, emotionally and mentally. You’re inspiring me to come up with my own top 10 list. Thank you for your candor!
This is helpful – it’s not that these are new concepts for so many of us but you were able to get specific with what you have found works – it gives me some tools and anecdotal help when I talk to my doctor!!! Thank you!!!
I love, love, love all these ideas!! Thank you Dimity! ❤️🤗
I wish I’d had the gift of your insights when I turned 50 (many many years ago) but your experiences apply to all ages! Thank you for your honesty and being so vulnerable – the community is so lucky to have you!
Thank you for being honest and sharing. Keep talking about it!!!
Dim – 5-0 is Fab! Come aboard you will love it here.
I call my weekly friend outing The Walk n Talk. Essential for perspective and mental health.
Great tips! And I completely agree that everyone needs to follow We Rate Dogs. It is the best thing in the internet! Picks me up every time!
My number one has always been to keep moving forward. Was happy to see it made your list. It’s helped me through huge life changes in the past two decades and finding another way to do so got me through the past two years. The key is the moving isn’t always done in the same way. You need to find different ways that work for you to keep yourself moving. I feel like I’ve reinvented myself multiple times. It’s tiring, especially when old ways stop working.
Thank you Dimity. Also turning 5-0 this year. Also feeling the weight of two years of pandemic, young kids, work, aging body, and some unhealthy habits. Also on year 20 or so of anti depressants. Running and this running community keeps me sane and moving forward. Glad to have this community.
Thank you for putting all of what I feel into concrete words! I’ll be 50 in the fall, on depression meds, peri-menopausal, mother of 3 teenagers, often anxious… Actually, you said it even better, “kinda neurotic, usually controlling, regularly anxious, moderately depressed me” – that’s me to a T! I love your 10 steps – mostly all things I do/try to do, but seeing it in writing is helpful. I may print this out! Mostly, I’ve been frustrated at doing “everything right” – eating well, connecting, exercising, etc – and still feeling lousy and just wanting to get in bed when I get home from work. It helps to know that others feel the same way. Thank you, as always!
Love this list, feeling so much of this as 50 approaches, and wish I was there to walk with you too!
I love your candor. I’m so thankful our paths have crossed. It might not feel like you’re changing the world, but you are. One blog post, podcast, and running retreat at a time. Thanks again (and again and again) for all you do for the multitude of women who read (and hear) your words.
Quit drinking, take long walks, lots of sunshine, eliminate junk food, processed food and sugars, prioritize a full night’s sleep. Cease all negative self talk. Realize that happiness does not come automatically to anyone, that there are steps you need to take and it is your responsibility to look after your own happiness, you have no control over others and they have no responsibility for making you happy (or unhappy). Stop telling stories about situations that may or may not be true. Stop worrying about a future that has not happened.
Hi! Is there a step #4? Love this list!
Hi! Is there a step #4? Love this list! (Sorry for re-post. The above reply email incorrect. This one is correct.)
Thank you for all you do for those of us who struggle with mental health challenges. I’m also plus-size and you were the first running community who made me feel like I belonged and could use running as a tool to fight my monsters. It was sometimes the only thing I had as a healthy coping mechanism.
It was what got me through until I finally got my true diagnosis just a few weeks ago of bipolar 2. I started on a new medication a couple weeks ago, and my life is completely changing in ways I didn’t even know were possible. Without running and the peace I’ve found through it, including the very first book I picked up on it, Run Like a Mother, shortly after the birth of my kiddo when I had PPD and didn’t know where else to turn, I am not even sure I’d still be here to thank you. I don’t mean that to sound dark. I just mean it to be a sincere thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’ve seen it echoed over and over again from others, but you really do make a difference in so many ways. Sending love to you both and the whole AMR team.
Forgot one- I have found (and I am 20+ yrs older than you) that when you are helping others, whether it be working to better your community, volunteering to help elderly/animals/environment that you automatically create those chemicals that make you feel better. Helping others is where it’s at, and I guess even tho it’s not on your list, by the comments, I see that you are!
I wish a cold gin martini was the answer to all that ails us but since turning 50, that theory had bit me in the ass too many times (and I keep trying!). Dimity, thank you for your candid transparency about aging and mental health. I’ve been on lexapro for 20 years and through two kids. I’ve been part of the AMR community for about 13 years. which has inspired all of my post baby running identity. Your list is amazing and inspiring. My biggest take away from turning 50 is that now I give less fucks every year… But keep being active. The community you helped build is everything!! Thank you. And Happy birthday!