This is the second installment of a new bi-monthly column: Room on the Road by Denise Dollar, who you might know as the founder of Heart Strides. She is in the process, as many of us are, of struggling with body issues as she finds the space between running and weight loss. Catch her first post here.
Ahhh…the good ole days when numbers and cake were celebrated without a second thought.
Crawling out of bed, I head straight to the kitchen, where I give thanks for the pot of coffee that is brewing. And there is a pot of coffee, not just enough for one cup or—gasp—an empty pot, which would have me cursing my husband. What is the occasion for this full, glorious pot? Today is my birthday.
Today I turn 49. Over the years I’ve heard horror stories from friends that have had a hard time turning (insert age here). “Hold on,” I’d say while gushing about how I loved turning 30, 35, 40, 45…30’s oh yeah, 30’s are the best but not as great as the 40’s, 40’s are the best. I don’t recall a birthday I didn’t enjoy. Until now.
Forty-nine, which sounds like FORTY-NINE in my head, has shown up like a big zit on the tip of my nose on the day of an interview for a dream job. Can’t ignore it, no matter how hard I try. Today, it’s not just a number—a line I have repeated to many friends fretting about their age. (Apologies!)
Of course, over the years, I’ve tried to make it’s just a number to be my mantra when stepping on the scale.
It’s just a number. I repeat these words over and over. No need to mentally press play, the phrase is pretty much on repeat in my brain. I feel the warm coffee cup in my hand, my eyes glaze over while my mind searches for a distraction. Just let it go. But I can’t. Because after coffee I’ll be thinking about breakfast, which commences a non-stop stream of thought about what I want to eat, what I should have. Granola? Too many carbs. Eggs? I’m so tired of eggs. Blueberry pancakes? Bacon? That sounds like Sunday to me, but what I’m really craving is some banana-chocolate chip-walnut pancakes from our favorite place on the East Side of Milwaukee. Will my pants be tight? Where are my FORGIVING leggings? Will I feel guilty about what I’m eating? WILL I LACE UP AND RUN? OF COURSE I KNOW I SHOULD, BUT WILL I?
THAT stupid scale.
I have two scales. TWO. First, I had to get the official Weight Watchers one, because you know, it’s official. Then when I started gaining weight I had to buy another one, because you know, that one couldn’t be right.
It’s just a number, right?
My current number on the scale? Well, it’s a big number. At least it feels like one to me. Kinda like 49 feels today.
But here’s the thing: It’s not just a number. It’s an insidious reminder that I don’t like where I currently am physically. I’m beyond my comfort zone on many levels.
And unlike a birthday which reliably appears at the same time to mark exactly one more year, my weight gain is sneakier. It takes me a while to notice the extra weight, but it does leave little hints as it creeps up. I know things aren’t great when I’m searching for a child—any child; doesn’t have to be one of mine—to stand in front of me when I’m having my photo taken. Or when its 97 degrees outside and I want to wear my running jacket. Or when I pull out my signature move: The stretch-my-shirt breaststroke. I put on a shirt, pull my arms out of the sleeves and into the body of the shirt, and do the breast stroke to make it bigger. Sometimes I turn the shirt around and stretch out the back too.
As I look for random children to be in my photos or wear cardigans on my runs, I think this number isn’t so bad. And then, still standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, realizing how my fat roll is gently laying on it, I think a bunch of other things about the two numbers that are dominating my birthday.
It’s hard to lose weight after 40, seriously why didn’t I exercise more when I was in my 30’s? Here I am staring down 50. Okay not just staring down; I’m right up there in its business. And holy crap, why does 50 come with its own megaphone? Why does 50 sound so much louder than 40? It’s just a number. It just a marker. You know, like a mile marker: It tells you where you are. But holy hell, that’s just it, I’m here and I’m not going to be here again. It’s going to get ugly isn’t it? Yep, it’s going to get ugly, but it will be real. Real ugly. You can sit in this space for as long as you need to, but you cannot stay here. You need to set a goal for yourself. What are your intentions for this year? How many miles can you get in? How much weight do you want to lose? What makes you feel good? What makes you feel strong? Where do you want to go, who do you want to spend time with? I want to run, I want to laugh, connect, be creative, write, and travel! I don’t want to be a size or an age, I want to be MYSELF.
I stop. My eyes well up. Something is missing and I don’t know what. Why am I so emotional? I must be pms’ing. God I hate that excuse. I really hate it. Just drink your damn coffee already.
Ever since I agreed to write about my running and my weight challenges, my brain has been chatting non-stop. What should I share and what is too much? My mind trails off into the nitty gritty details of my life and I wonder is that too transparent? I don’t even know if I want to go there, much less share it.
What I do know is that I don’t want this to be another before-and-after story, the kind we all love. (She went from being 100 pounds overweight to running at 4:12 marathon!) Those stories give me hope, but I’m always left wondering, what about the during? You know, the in-between, the part where it gets messy and you want to quit? That’s what I want to know about.
With time, the edges of 49 will smooth and it won’t feel like that big of a deal. But my weight? I can’t just tell myself to get over it, the same advice I give friends bemoaning another year. I know that if I try to get over it without getting into it, I’m going to keep coming back to it, over and over and over.
So today, on my birthday, I am raising my coffee mug to embracing the details of the in-between, the most powerful part of a journey.
This is so beautiful and perfect and honest. Than you x1000 for sharing with us.
Such power and courage in your words. I doubt you want to be brave through this, but thank you for being brave enough to share this part of your story. I have a similar story and the in between isn’t often talked about but it’s not always so pretty. But you can do it, one day at a time. We’ve got your back.
First of all Happy Birthday…and really be HAPPY for reaching 49. I had friends and family experience loss of loved ones over the past week who were younger than 49. Really you are NOT old either. I just turned 63. Do I act 63? Whatever that means…I’t 5:30 a.m.(I have a day off from work!) and besides some reports I have to get done, the day is wide open for just ME! I am going to make meatballs (turkey), other food for the work week so I don’t have to drag myself into the kitchen after work to prepare food, maybe go out to the desert to collect some rocks for my “project”, work on a Christmas card design, but FIRST of all I am putting on my lycra and head to the fitness center to push my body through some yoga moves and weights (we went mountain biking yesterday and I am kind of sore). There’s a scale at that fitness center in the women’s locker room that I occasionally step on- I don’t have one at home. Honestly I don’t care what I weigh- I am enjoying life too much to even care about that number. Hell, I don’t even care about being 63. I have too much to plan for in 2017 (my 8th 70.3 and my 3rd Ironman) to worry about how old I am! Get up, embrace this day, have that cup (or two) of coffee , and get out the door! HAPPY birthday!
P.S. I meant to say…DITCH that scale!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! You had me laughing out loud at certain points. You already have courage, that is apparent in this essay. Hold on to that courage during the “during”, the “in between part”, especially when it get’s messy. Failure is not the falling down, it’s the staying down. Use your courage to get back up if you fall during a messy day. These are my birthday words of wisdom for you: any movement is good movement and drink your water. This will help keep messy days manageable. I hope you have a wonderful birthday! I am looking forward to reading your future posts.
Happy Birthday, Denise! I wish I could have a cup of coffee with you. Birthdays are major celebrations in this household at any age. “What I am is God’s gift to me. What I become is my gift to God.” This is posted on my fridge. Celebrate You. My run today – 4.9 miles or 49 min. will be in your honor. Thank you for your honesty and ditch the scale.
Dearest Denise – 49? You’re a young one! I hope you had a wonderful birthday. I know you were with friends celebrating as they (and you) ran. Look for the joy and happiness in your life and know there is so much more to come. The weight thing? One day at a time – you’ll get where you want to be simply because you want it. Sending a hug ♥️
Happy birthday! I will turn 49 next March. I’m just a few pounds over my goal weight (I’ve lost about 22 so far). You are so right about the feeling of discomfort with one’s self and one’s body. It has taken getting into the swing of the “during” that has helped. That means for me looking at cumulative progress and goals (similar to running) and trying not to let setbacks discourage me too much. It’s really hard to be kind to yourself. Meditation has helped me a lot in learning how to be better at that. Meditation has also helped me to wait and try to identify why I want to eat something, whether it’s from hunger, or relieving stress and anxiety. When life gets busy, it’s also harder to plan to be able to eat well or take time to exercise. But every little bit counts. I find that the kinder I am to myself, the easier it is to be comfortable with myself. Thanks for your heartfelt and honest writing.
I imagine there are very, very few people out there who can fly through life feeling grateful for every day and every age. For the rest of us – thank you for this beautiful, beautiful, honest post. That beauty and honesty (and inherent bravery) is more inspiring to me than any number out there, be it miles or pounds or age. Happy birthday, dear Denise. I’m so grateful to have met you this last year, and so grateful – on behalf of all of us – that you decided to start writing.
Thank you for voicing the silent suffering I experience. Sending you a big dose of loving kindness
I’m here to tell you, it’s better after 50. The old things have less hold on you, matter less. Who you are emerges more–crusty, rusty, but STRONG. Experience pays off. There are things we KNOW. It’s not just me saying/knowing that. For three days, I ran with a 92 year old who just finished a run across the country. He’s on no meds, and we did 7-10 miles each time. He’s a retired pharmacist, so he knew a few things about it all. And it was fun. As the song says, I’m not here for a long time–I’m here for a good time. Best birthday to you, and many more.
Lol! I totally do the “stretch my shirt out” thing too! Glad to know I’m not the only one :)
“I know that if I try to get over it without getting into it, I’m going to keep coming back to it, over and over and over.” This is so huge. I thought I was getting into it over the 2.5 years it took me to lose #alltheweight, but apparently I didn’t quite get into it enough. What didn’t I learn the first time around? I remember thinking, what will people think of me if I gain some weight back? She’s a failure, we knew she couldn’t keep it all off, how could she let herself get so far from where she fought so hard to get? In reality, these are all my voices, so even if no real person is thinking/saying them…it still echoes in my head. What a journey this is – and I’m so thankful that we seem to be walking a similar path and can deal with the in-between part of this messy process together, at least virtually! We got this! I was listening to Fail, Fail again, Fail better while walking the dog earlier, and being present with the uncomfortable feelings is where we need to be. We are right where we need to be…..49 and all. Happy Birthday Denise!
Happy Birthday, Denise! Thanks for sharing your “in between” with such honesty. Keep your chin up :)
This! It is so great to hear this “out loud” from someone else. So inspiring, and I can’t wait to continue to read about the in-between.
Happy birthday from an older runner! I’m a battle-scarred veteran of the diet wars, but I’m finding that a year and a half of regular running has made me see things differently. And no, I haven’t lost weight from it, or not much. Thanks for your brave post. If there’s cake, enjoy it. Really, enjoy it.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
Happy Birthday, Denise! And thank you for your honesty. It’s not easy.
Happy Birthday Denise!! Who would have thought two cheese loving girls from Wisconsin who met randomly in CT would have the same birthday?!?
Denise, Happy Birthday! I so appreciate your posts and the honesty you put on the page. It is such a hard balance to be okay with where you are and be working to change it, and all the emotions that go with that. Thank you.
I am way behind on my reading, but couldn’t skip over this one. I love this column so much! Thanks for reminding us to embrace the in between!!
Your contributions here are my new ‘check and see if she has written anything to me’ habit. I am overweight and 51 and those two elements keep me ripe for injury. Grrrrr…. Looking forward to supporting you in your journey.