I've been in denial for a long time. But I'm finally getting help--thanks to the encouragement, advice, and support of my three running partners. Heidi gave me the name of someone who helped her; Molly let me know that realizing I needed help was a powerful--and positive--first step; and Sheila shared empathy and advice. It was hard for me to admit I had a problem: I'm stoic, and I thought I could soldier through. Or I thought the problem would go away as time passed. But my BRF's made me realize it's okay to ask for help, and to see a professional.
I don't have a problem with cigarettes, booze, methamphetamine, gambling, or online porn. It's with...parenting. I finally decided our kids, and our family unit, deserve better parenting skills than Jack and I possess. We love our children with all our hearts, but we are running on fumes in the patience and parenting departments.
Wait, since I'm writing this post, let me switch to the singular pronoun. I/me: I'm owning this behavior. I lose my patience way too easily--and far too often--with my children. I yell at them way too much. I rarely give them my undivided attention. I use what can only be deemed negative language (e.g. "Stop being so annoying!"). I say, "stop..." and "don't...." countless times in a day. Every night, when my kids argue over who gets to sit next to me at the dinner table and my blood boils, all I think is, "Why do they want to sit next to me--I'm so mean." When Daphne tells me repeatedly, "Mama, you're so beautiful," I feel like an ugly failure.
So I've waved the white flag, and Jack and I are seeing a therapist on Tuesday. Insurance won't cover it, and we don't really have the "spare" funds to pay for this expense. But I finally realized the long-term cost to our family would be so much greater. And I'm grateful that being honest with my running partners has brought me to this place. I hope the next steps for me and our family can be as impactful.