For the past week, it’s felt like my whole body has been shot up with Novacaine. I’ve been numb, but not in the whee-it’s-go-time way I should’ve been.
When I wrote my essay in Tales From Another Mother Runner last August, this March felt so far off. Kind of like it wouldn’t ever really come. But the clock kept marching forward, and here we are.
The words that I wrote in the bright light and long days of last summer are now in the grey light of this winter day.
And right now, the words feel like a smelly, scary elephant lurking around everything I do and think with AMR. That’s not how I want to feel around these parts.
So I just will put this out there: I was suicidal last winter. As I said in my essay, I’m not entirely sure I wanted to die, but for months, my mind was completely preoccupied with the thought of just not having to do this depleting, exhausting, whirring life thing anymore. The essay doesn’t end with a neatly-tied bow, but I’m (gratefully and thankfully) still here, and I’m happy to report I’m a better place than I was last year at this time.
I sent my essay to my immediate family and a couple of close friends prior to publication, and the response was warm. A few, “I’ve been theres” and other insightful comments made me know I’d made the right choice to be honest and vulnerable. Last night, I warned a couple friends that my essay was dark and that I wasn’t going to read it out loud, but if they wanted to talk or email about it at another point, I’d be game.
Greeting me this morning was an email from a good friend with the subject, “Dark? No, it is BRAVE.” Her email went on to chronicle some of the mental battles she has fought—and continues to fight. I received a handful of similar emails throughout the day, and my mental load lightened a bit.
I’m not sure my essay is brave, but ultimately, I made the choice to put it out there in the same way I’ve guided all my decisions with AMR: Is it the authentic story of what my life looks like as a mother runner? And hence, is it a story of how the lives of other mother runners could likely look? Because as much as we all want to be unique individuals, the communal connection wins 90% of the races.
I realize now in hindsight, the hardest part of last winter wasn’t actually feeling suicidal. The hardest part was feeling totally alone.
I’m writing this post because so that when I meet or connect again with some of you this year, I don’t have an elephant so large sitting on me that you can’t even see my cute AMR. tee under its gray wrinkles. I just want to let you know that you can talk to me about it, if that’s interesting or helpful to you, but you obviously don’t have to. (You may want to have a Kleenex handy though.)
More than anything, I want you to know that when I sign a copy of the book, “Many more happy miles,” I truly mean that.
Both for you and for me.
xo
Dimity, I commend your open and honest approach to your life issues. Oftentimes people in the light don’t face their issues because ‘it isn’t supposed to happen to me’. I’m glad you’re still here and would live to give you a cyber hug…and I’m not a big hugger!
My copy is arriving today but just reading this makes me want to say THANK YOU. I agree it is brave to be so real. There is so much stigma associated with mental health and writing honestly is a great way to work to change that.
Here’s another cyber hug for you!!!
I am so sorry to hear that you went through this! My husband has depression and a few summers back, he went through a really dark spell and began having suicidal thoughts. He was briefly hospitalized. It was one of the hardest times in either of our lives and I hate that anyone else should have to endure that. Like Robin Williams, you bring others so much joy. It breaks my heart to hear that you’ve had to go through times without any for yourself. I’m glad to hear that you’re doing better and hope that you’re able to stay on that path. Please know: It really can be stopped. Since that experience, my husband has been doing SO much better. The psychiatrist at the hospital identified the correct combination of anti-depressants and along with therapy, he’s gone years in a pretty great spot. He’s generally the rock between the two of us these days!
We’re bombarded daily with glimpses of life that’s wrapped up in perfect little Pinterest-worthy packages. Dimity, what has kept me coming back to your books and the website is the honest and open way that you and Sarah share day-to-day life with the Tribe. Thank you for trusting us enough to put your words to paper, and remind us fellow mothers remember that we’re not alone in any of this.
thank you for sharing your story & bringing this issue of yours into the light. Mental health is a topic often only talked about in hushed whispers or behind closed doors. Hoping that if your story can help someone else seek help, it will all have been worth it. Big hugs to you & your family.
Dimity, thank you. In today’s social media world, we often compare our daily blahs with everyone else’s highlight reel. It’s important to realize and understand that we ALL have gremlins in our life. Your essay will show that you are human and honest, and will provide comfort. XOXO
OMG…. beautiful, raw and oh so honest. Dimity, as a virtual friend who has been lucky enough to meet you once in St Louis, I cannot applaud you enough or say enough how proud I am to know you. This resonates quite true with me both personally and professionally- and I will now go cry in my coffee with the realization that we are not alone….
Dimity, I had no idea you were going through that. You are incredibly brave for sharing your struggles with us, and I’m so, so glad you’re in a better place now.
xoxo
Thanks for sharing. And for letting others know they are not alone with their thoughts.
Dimity, thank you for your honesty and openness. I connect to these thoughts and feelings and have know some others that will as well. Mental health is so often hidden and not talked about, and it is refreshing that you speak so openly. Running has been my life saver and it is all thanks to AMR that made me believe in myself and gave me purpose when other things looked bleak. Thank you for all that you and Sarah do. XOXOXO
Dimity, thank you for being so open about your depression–it truly is a brave act of trust. I’ve struggled with those same feelings in the past. You bring so much light to so many people’s lives through AMR. I hope you can feel the light that we’re all sending back your way, and that it illuminates all your days going forward. xox
Thank you.
Thank you for telling your story. Every time one of us is honest and open about mental health issues, the stigma diminishes. Reducing the shame around mental health is so important. Your bravery is commendable.
Holding you in the light. xoxoxox
Thank you, Dimity, for continuing to put yourself out there for all of us to ensure that we don’t feel alone in this life thing! Make sure you also know, you too, are not alone. Your tribe is here for you!
Your essay was brave and real and thank you for telling us. Too often we feel we must show a perfect face to the world and hide our pain. I have friends who struggle with depression and friends who succumbed to their suicidal thoughts and we did not even know they were struggling. I would give anything to be able to help them, if only we knew. Thank you for telling us your truth and dawn always comes after the dark as long as we wait for it. Be strong, be brave, be fearless :-)
Thank you for sharing what you went/are going through. I’m a big believer in shedding light on mental health issues so that those going through them now and in the future realize that they are not alone (and those around them notice the signs and reach out.)
Dimity, Thanks for opening up and sharing with us. Life isn’t always neat and tidy, and it’s refreshing to read something real. So much of what’s out there–on social media and on the blogs–is always upbeat and sometimes-dare I say–superficial. A lot of us run because life isn’t pretty. It’s pretty scary, overwhelming, and at times very bleak.
I try to keep it real on my blog, and while I write those superficial silly posts, I also talk about my life, which right now is as stressful as it gets. The feedback I get is always supportive and I hear from readers who tell me how much they appreciate me keeping it “real”. I always appreciate it when readers reach out to me, and it helps me feel a little less alone.
Keep moving forward and keep inspiring.
Wendy
Your honesty in all things and your ability to convey them in a way that connects with so many people is so important and needed and true. Thank you.
Dimity – I rarely post comments to the AMR site but your admission and thoughts moved me so much I felt compelled to respond. You are so not alone in thinking you’re the only one questioning the slog through life – if you hint at it to others, you break down those superficial barriers between people and quickly see that others have felt exactly the same way as you have at various times. And then, what a relief, to feel that you are NOT alone. Then take the perspective of the person you admitted your dark thoughts to – this person who has also had these dark thoughts. That person is also relieved to know that another person understands! By reaching out, you make yourself feel better, and make the people you are sharing this with feel better. It’s all an upwards movement towards the light.
Stick with life. It’s endlessly fascinating. People are eccentric, mysterious, and entertaining. How could you not want to keep watching humanity?
Can’t wait to read the new book!
Thank you for being so open and honest. I’ve had 2 brothers die by suicide, talking about depression and mental illness is the start to change the stigma related to these issues! I agree with your friend, you are brave!
Dimity…you are an amazing person and yes you are BRAVE for putting yourself out there. All too often we are too afraid to voice the thoughts in our heads because they are “wrong”, “scary”, “not normal”…but aren’t those the ones that need to be voiced louder than any others. I’ve been through many many ups and downs throughout my life and I imagine there are more to come…I just hope that I can have as much bravery as you have shown. Hang in there BAMR…your tribe is by your side!
Thank you for being so honest Dimity. I had tears in my eyes reading this in the email this morning. I feel like you and Sarah are personal friends of mine. This is what I love about AMR. Nothing is off limits and it is so reassuring to know we are not alone in the way we feel sometimes. Thank you!
Your friend is correct in describing you as BRAVE, Dimity. I have never had to deal with depression in myself, but through my daughter. It’s scary. I’m sending you a huge hug and I hope it makes you smile, and gives you strength.
You are loved.
Thank you for again being “real”, the reason I faithfully follow AMR is to escape the “perfect” world that so often surrounds me. It can be really hard sometimes to just trudge through the motions of the day with all we have to deal with and even more difficult when you feel like you have to put on a pretty face and deal. Sometimes just dealing seems impossible. I hope you know how helpful and inspiring it is to know there are others going through the same struggles.
Yes, thank you for sharing. I had no idea. I’m glad you could open up about it and know that we are all there for you whenever you are feeling happy, or downright miserable.
Dimity – thank you so much for your honesty and willingness to share. xoxo
I haven’t read the essay yet. Amazon tells me that the book was delivered, but it certainly wasn’t delivered to me! Anyway, Dimity, my heart breaks for you. I have lived with depression in the past, and I see it lurking on the edges of my life these days. You are not alone in this. Thank you for speaking your truth out loud.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Some of us get really good at creating a big beautiful drop cloth to cover up what’s happening in our brains. We have to talk about it.
You are brave, wonderful and loved. Thank you for your honesty and openness. As many stated before you are not alone.
BRAVE is the word…I’m hearing Sara Barielles’ voice in my head, remembering how I first heard of her song because you posted about it. The whole tribe is seeing your bravery in writing the essay, and this post, and I, among many others, I’m sure, am thankful for and humbled by your honesty. Keep on keepin’ on – your voice is so important to us. Sending you a virtual hug.
How brave, lovely, and amazing you are. Feeling ever more thrilled for the opportunity to work with you gals. Thank you for your honesty and openness.
Brave and vulnerable—scary and holy places to be even though that juxtaposition seems so odd. Your tribe is your tribe and we love you whether life is easy, hard, or in the messy middle.
Gonna use the oft quoted Anne Lamott here as it seems appropriate for all mamas going through tough stuff. Anne asks how are we going to get through the hard? The response she gets is: “Left foot, right foot, left foot, breathe.”
Yay for your courage! My book is sitting on the counter enticing me as a fabulous chocolate dessert would…but I’m using it as an incentive to get my work done first. Struggling with Seasonal Affective Disorder for the past 30 years, I finally decided that medication was a loving choice. I take a super light dose and it made all the difference in the world. I no longer think about suicide on a daily basis.
I can’t wait to read your essay even though it will be difficult because I know so many mamas and non-mamas will read it to see that you are no longer at that place.
Who knew you’d be such a role model for so many, many women! Thank you.
Thank you for putting that out there. I feel myself falling into “the pit” every now and then and what you said makes me not feel so alone. Thank you.
Ditto on what so many others have said here! Hugs.
{hugs} Thank you for sharing and being an inspiration. Just putting it out there helps open a dialog for others in the same situation.
Thank you for all of your honesty and support!
Thank you for being honest. There is too much of a stigma around these types of things and I hate it. The more we talk about it openly and honestly the more progress we make. Thank you for being so brave!!!!!!!!!
Just… Thank-you.
Dimity, your writing the hard stuff and sharing it not only educates but is a voice for those of us who cannot express vulnerability. Brava and thank you.
Dimity, thank you for being real. It took alot of courage to share this with us. I’m so glad that you’re taking steps to take care of yourself – do not be ashamed of medication. Even without being clinically depressed, women (mothers especially) can get so easily overwhelmed with daily life. Just realizing that we all have struggles, we all live with pain and guilt, helps so much. We’re never alone! We have this great group of BADASS MOTHER RUNNERS here to speak positive words to us, to let us know that we’re never alone. We love you, and appreciate you, and value you.
p.s. not to give you advice, but don’t forget to spend time with your dog every day…pet therapy is for real!
Thank you, I have been low at various points in my life and you do feel very alone. It is brave to put it out there, but also so, so helpful to many who feel alone sometimes.
Just this note had me reaching for the tissues…
I hate to think of you being anxious in any way about what you do with AMR. Know that you touch lives and inspire with all you do.
It is brave to share the brokenness that hides within us. It is brave to be vulnerable. It is brave to live a life that is “whole-hearted” to use Brene Brown’s words. It is brave that you shared with us, and continue to share with us, your battle with depression. As someone who has been there, and continues to battle off and on with those mental monkeys that try to take me down, know that your story and your honesty is held gently and lovingly. Thank you for being brave, for being open with this tribe of women.
Thank you so much for being so authentic — I think this counts as a small victory against the torturous, silent loneliness many of us know from time to time.
The timing of me reading this essay is perfect. “The hardest part was feeling totally alone.” You have no idea how much this statement resonates with me. Thank you for writing this essay.
I haven’t read your essay yet (my book is on its way!) but thank you for being vulnerable and honest. Many of us have been in a similar place and having someone that you look up to admit that they’ve been there too- it’s invaluable. Please keep doing everything you do with AMR and know that you have an enormous support network in people you don’t even know.
Dimity, you are brave and authentic, and your allowing yourself to be vulnerable in front of so many people is nothing short of awesome! I know your feelings all too well – I’ve struggled with depression since my teens (I’m now 50) but didn’t get diagnosed until after my third child(in my early 30’s) – when I didn’t think I could put one foot in front of the other ever again. Thankfully, medication, exercise, healthy eating, and a wonderful support system keep me on track, but I definitely still have periods of time when everything looks very bleak.
Thank you for being willing to share that intimate part of your life. I hope that it helps someone out there struggling in the same way to realize they are not alone, and I hope that the comments you are receiving about your post helps YOU realize that YOU are not alone.
Thank you for being so open and honest, Dimity. It’s one of the reasons I love AMR. I agree with your friend, you are brave and so, so strong. Many, many happy miles to you. I wish I could give you a big hug!
Your genuine authenticity is what initially drew me in to AMR after reading that dually-written RW article with SBS so long ago. It’s also what kept me inexplicably scanning for further articles by you, eventually led me to the very beginning of AMR, and has kept me hooked ever since. You are nothing but a lovely, living embodiment of courage, authenticity, vulnerability, honesty, and love. My heart hurts that you went through such a dark time (again), that you carried this burden on your shoulders and in your heart for so long, and that you felt alone. Please know that you are not alone–we think of you, pray for you, are grateful for all of your tremendous sacrifices (both physically, mentally, and emotionally), and work to live each day as authentically as you and SBS do. Thank you for continuing to be so. epically. fiercely. brave.
Wow. “The hardest part was feeling totally alone.” I get that. I totally get that. But we’re not alone, are we? You and SBS have created this fantastic supportive community. I maybe need to stop pretending that I’ve got this and start leaning on people… Thank you Dimity for being you.
Dimity, you are such an open, real, and brave woman…and I admire that about both of you. It took a big set of ’em to share such a raw part of yourself with us. You must have known it needed shared and that there are hundreds of people out there that needed to read it. We have been there too. You are not alone. We can relate. Ladies, look at what you have created..this huge (and equally brave) AMR community that shares in this big thing we call life. These books, emails, blogs, & podcasts have become such a big part of my running life! Again, Thank you for sharing such a personal part of you. No, really, thank you!! I cant wait to read your essay and all of the book!
BRAVA, DIMITY!!!!
Brave does not begin to describe your actions. I too, suffer from depression and anxiety, and have for most of my adult life. I was undiagnosed until I was 30 and began therapy for “family of origin” issues. I have, on occasion, felt the urge to drive my car off a bridge, just to get a break from it all. And, as you well know, the problem with depression is that it is the only disease, when you’re in the middle of it, that you just don’t care if you ever get better from. Which is a problem for getting out of it.
But, as you say, I’m currently in a better place. Medicated, in therapy. Great friends, strong family. Exercise. (Though I’m currently coping with a minor calf injury, but that’s another story).
Here’s the thing…none of us gets any better if none of us talk about it and let others know that you don’t have to feel that way. And, more importantly, that you are not alone. And, it’s not your fault.
Thank you for constantly putting yourself out there, to us, Dimity. BRAVA!!!!!
Hey Dimity,
Just read your essay last night and wanted to say how sorry I am that you had such a tough winter and felt so alone. My immediate reaction while reading it was “I’m sorry I didn’t reach out more to make a connection and invite you for a run.” Depression sucks and I’m thankful that you have the strength to share your story with others. This community you and Sarah have created reaches a wide audience and your honesty and openness touches all of us whether we can relate to it or not, we can learn and grow as individuals. Mother runners are powerful women!
xoxo Julie
Dimity – i have not yet Read your piece but wanted to thank you for your openness and honesty. You are never alone on this amr journey. Suicide and depression have hit close to home for my family, and it is through running that I have drawn strength, so thank you for that.
Dimity – thank you… for so much… thank you!
Sweet lady, thank you for being honest. So many of us fight similar battles and are afraid to talk about them. Your essay, whether or not considered “brave” by you, may be just what another mother runner needs on her dark days. An honest reminder that not all of the miles are going to be happy, but running them will help get us get back there.
Hugs to you.
Hugs to you Dimity. Know that there are those of us who are brightened by the stories you and SBS share with all of us mother runners.
Peace,
KJS
I couldn’t agree more with every word of this note.
Dimity – you are authentic; to bare your true self is brave. I appreciate you opening up this dialog as I know it will support so many BAMRs.
Yes. I have been there, and I know that feeling of alone. I’ve been struggling with depression for most of my adult life, but was officially diagnosed only a few years ago. It’s been a struggle, and running has been a savior. Only I’m not running these days, have been trying to find the right balance of meds since hormones are reeking havoc on everything (and am on third type of birth control pill in six months). My youngest child (of three – all under 10 yr old) is getting assessed for emotional/behavioral issues due to his now daily, violent tantrums. Struggling marriage, working full-time yet financially stretched…it’s all there. I’m in therapy, trying to get through, and, frankly, am in one of those “alone” spots. So reading your post, Dimity, and reading comments from other women who shared their depression tales, it just helps so much. Helps to know that there are others who get it, who understand what the darkness looks like. So thank you for your openness and authenticity in shedding light on this awful disease.
So many of us have battled dark days so thank you for being so brave to share. I had tears reading your note and I just want to give you a great big hug.
It is so powerful for someone like you who can conquer Ironman to share that you have dark times too. It makes all of us who have dark times feel a little less alone. I am very glad that you are here to see your new book and the impact it will have on mother runners near and far.
Yes, BRAVE is the right word, too many people (myself included) feel alone when we hit those dark places. I know that there will be many people who are already inspired by you and your accomplishments, who will feel less alone knowing that you have been in that dark place as well. Hopefully the more light we can all shed on that lonely, dark place… people won’t feel so alone anymore.
I thank you for being vulnerable. Sometimes strong women hurt inside and doing the best they can to be a mother, wife, friend, etc..
Looking forward to meeting you next week!
I haven’t read the essay yet (I’m getting the book next week), but I can relate to this, and to your struggle. Sometimes I feel like no matter how many care and support me, when you’re struggling with depression, it feels like no one get it. And, it’s really isolating and scary.
I’ve said it to you before, but your writing and openness about makes it all a little less scary. (and seriously, this winter is kicking my butt between weather, work & kid stuff).
The one thing that keeps me going is knowing that if I feel the super low lows, I can appreciate the truly wonderful moments a little more than some people.
I haven’t yet read the essay, but I’m completely disarmed by your honesty here. It’s a wonderfully powerful thing to own the thing that tries to own you… to not deny it, to fight it in the light of day and not let it rob you of the things that give you joy and peace. I hope your path is brighter for having shared your journey with your readers and with this community.
Thank you for all that you do. Thank you for being brave.
We don’t usually feel brave when we are in the midst of being brave — and, yet, brave we are — and brave YOU are Dimity, and all of the others who have shared so openly in this tribe. Thank you for bringing us all together, and modeling for us the very heart of living an authentic life, complete with it’s joys and sorrows. Sending much mother runner love your way, dear Dimity, and to all of the rest of you fabulous badass, brave, courageous mother runners.
Dim, you are so brave! I admire you and thank you (and SBS) for all that you have given and done for our tribe. Wishing you….many more happy miles.
The more honest/open discussions there are about depression, and other mental illness, the more we will realize it is not a “weakness”, or a “cop out”, or any of the other silly things people think. Just because one is outwardly successful doesn’t mean she isn’t battling inner demons. Kudos to you, Dimity, for being real, and for putting into words something that probably affects us all at one point or another. LOTS of happy miles to you!! (Certainly better than treating your demons with alcohol or oreos!).
I can’t wait to read this. This has been the darkest, saddest, longest winter of my life. I don’t want to run, I don’t want to do anything but hide under the covers. I am hoping that spring will shake me out of my funk. You always sound so cheerful and upbeat in your podcasts so I am surprised to hear this. Thank you for sharing and thank you for making me feel not so alone.
I feel that exact same way right now. It’s comforting to know you made it through. It gives me hope.
Glad you are able to share your feelings here…spring will come. Didn’t know this about you. And am somewhat taken aback. I thought your life was all running and roses. I wanted to be you….
So brave. Thank you so much for sharing with us. Struggling with depression is so isolating, so dark, such never ending sadness. It can feel like a constant battle of treading water to stay afloat. To hear your story gives hope, and shows that this disease does not discriminate in who it takes under the water. This has been my darkest winter yet. It has been my most self destructive year in history, but I think I’ve found the path, and will use your story as inspiration to help guide me. Thank you. And to all of us who struggle, keep fighting. Please don’t give in.
You are braver than you ever will know- to recognize the pain, and to share your need with your friends and family is the bravest thing one could do. Brava.
I hugged you in the hallway of Disney’s Grand Californian in January 2014. In hindsight, I wish I would have been able to tell you, “I get it. I’m there with you. You are NOT alone.” You’re brave, you are strong, you are INCREDIBLE. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being real.
LOVE you Dimity!! I always thought I was the only person who ran to combat sadness/depression. I understand that it is an ever evolving battle and — shameful to admit to one’s child/ren or other loved ones for seeming ill-evolved or burdensome — perhaps sadness is simply part of the human condition an our purpose is to care for each other — anyway, know that just by writing this blog you are making our world a better place.
Thank you so much for sharing. I know so many of us struggle with this yet we feel so very alone. You are absolutely brave and I am so thankful for your honesty. I have been where you are and loathe that dark shadow that steals the joy from us. Please know that your transparency and honesty will give comfort and strength to many of us that feel like we know you from your books/podcasts/FB/etc.. It will help us not to feel so alone in this and I pray that you are finding that you are not alone either. xoxo
I love you. And I mean that. Thank you, Dim.
Thank you so much for your honesty. Many more happy miles to you, us and all who know the darkness of depression.
Cheryl I felt the same way. I wanted her life because mine felt so complex and hard and it felt like I was the only one walking through a rough stormy season.
wow! I have not yet read the essay so I wasn’t expecting this at all! My stomach dropped a little when I read those words. You have both become my mother runner touchstones-I am grateful beyond words for all the wisdom and support-meeting you in Vegas and getting to have an actual conversation with you was such a highlight of my running/mothering life. Many happy miles to you, indeed! Sharing your struggle as a public figure is awesome and I bet you’ll be astounded at the number of women who you reach. There is no elephant-thank you for sharing!
Thank you for sharing this with everyone. Depression is something that so many people hide. My teenage daughter had a friend that took her own life last November because of depression. I can honestly say if she had known how many people cared for her and would have tried to help her with her struggles she might still be here. Thank you for not giving up. Thank you for being brave and fighting for yourself. The BAMR tribe is here for you. You are one of fearless leaders. We look up to you and share in both your happiness and sorrows. We stand behind you. With hugs and open hearts.
Thanks so much for sharing your story, Dimity. I have faith that someone’s supposed to see it who needs to see it. You’ll make a big difference in someone’s life. Also, I know that feeling and am grateful that I, at the time, shared it with others. They helped carry me through.
Dimity, thank you for your honesty. It is hard to put that out there and I am glad you did. I had contemplated the same previously and I am also glad to be here. I don’t know know that I ever really wanted to die, but like you, I am glad you are here.
Amazing how we can talk about pooping in public, boobs and vaginal discharge all without feeling like there is that big scary elephant. Thank you for bringing this into the light with all its vulnerabilities. It takes so much courage but is so powerful. Will look forward to reading your tale.
I can’t wait to read the book, especially now! Having struggled with depression, talking about it in the open is what helps others most. Thanks being brave. I hope you can sign my book someday!
I can’t even say everything I want to – way too emotional after reading this Dimity. I read this 10 minutes after learning that an old friend committed suicide last night so it hit me hard. You are so inspiring to me and while you lift up your BAMRs, you are fighting a battle that I’m finally understanding so many people around us are also suffering. All I can say is I love you (sounds weird coming from a stranger, huh), but its true. I love your sense of humor, your determination, your kindness, and your passion for your family and for running. You have a whole lot of BAMR support – don’t ever be afraid to reach out for help. We all have our weak moments – we need to talk about them together more, listen to each other and not judge. We women can get through anything TOGETHER. xoxo
Your story may save someone’s life. You are amazing. Simply…amazing.
Dimity, whether you feel it or not, by publishing this essay you have shown the tribe just how AMAZINGLY big your brave is. Sending you love and wishing you many happy miles.
wow, Dimity you are incredibly brave! It’s also been my experience that when you own those darkest parts of yourself, you become free from the hold they have over you.
Be well my friend.
You are a beautiful person, with a lovely heart. Can’t wait to read and hear more from you.
Dimity, your posting scared me. I think that it was one of the bravest things that i have ever read. i have followed AMR’s posting for over a year now and ye always make me reflect, they make me smile, ye challenge me and give me a kick in the bum when necessary. it scared me because it proved yet again that we just never know what is really going on in anyone else’s life. we never know how much that person that we meet at the check out might need a kind word or a smile. or how the driver who cut us off has the weight of the world on their shoulders. or how that Mom at the school gates is close to the edge. we never know what is going on behind the smile that someone forces themselves to put on their face. it reminded me to be gentle with peoples’ hearts no matter what their voice or face is saying. thank you for that reminder. as Karen said your story may save someone’s life either by them reading it directly or by the empathy that you have reminded us to have.
Definitely BRAVE! Your honesty and vulnerability is inspiring.
Dimity,
Thanks for sharing. So many people privately struggle with mental health and addiction issues. Society has made these subject taboo to discuss outside of your inner circle. It should not be this way. These issues are real! They do not impact certain races, gender, or social status. Mental health does not discriminate. It’s not taboo. It’s an illness. I am so proud of you for sharing. It’s brave, bold, & REAL! Hugs to you my friend! Xoxo jmart
Thanks for sharing. You don’t know how many women you’ve touched.
one of the best, if not THE best, part of AMR is the honesty! thank you for continuing that even when it was really difficult.
Thank you for sharing your story and helping to change the way society doesn’t talk about out mental health. Your openness and honesty is inspiring and can help us to all be more open and honest with ourselves and those around us.
I also would describe your essay as “brave” and want to say thank you for daring to share. I also admire and applaud the guideline for sharing you use, “Is it the authentic story of what my life looks like as a mother runner? And hence, is it a story of how the lives of other mother runners could likely look?” I believe this guideline is what has made your books such a must have item on our shelves and that it is the reason we turn to, tune in, and pass along the resources you have given us all. You have helped encourage so many women in so many ways! This post and the essay are wonderful examples of the “how”. The last sentence of your guideline description is the “why”-“Because as much as we all want to be unique individuals, the communal connection wins 90% of the races.” I’m a grandmother runner and recognize from the experience of living 60 plus years that the communal connection has been a precious gift to have in living my life. Thank you for your part in creating community that inspires and cares. I would also like to thank the Mother Runner who commented about meeting you in January last year and wishing she had hugged you a little longer. Because of her comment and your post, I will from this day forward hug each one I have a chance to hug just a little bit longer. I hope to hug you, Dimity, the next time you are in San Antonio.
Thank you for your post, for your honesty, and for your willingness to share with all of us. I haven’t yet read the essay, but I look forward to. As someone who has struggled with depression on and off for years, I’ve been inspired by your openness on this issue and feel an affinity for you even though we’ve never met. Thank you for persevering and for sharing the messiness that is life’s daily struggle. Be well.
Dimity, thank you so very much for sharing your story. I have another favorite blog that I read (2nd to this one) called http://www.handsfreemama.com. Her most recent posts called, “The Kind of Mothering We All Need” and “When’s the Last Time Life Excited You?” really resonated with me. I wanted to share them with you.
Sending you hugs and love!
Dimity, what you wrote is BRAVE. And honestly makes me feel less alone. I am now, where you were last year. I feel alone and just not up to this whole life thing anymore. I’m looking forward to meeting you in MA on Monday:)
Dimity,
I was having difficulty thinking of my own words to write in response to your essay and post, so I borrow some from Albert Camus:
“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.”
To all of us, you shine bright and warm like summer and your openness and strength (and many other great qualities!) is inspiring and appreciated.
Dimity, while I feel like I know you from listening to you and Sara during my long runs, I now feel a true connection to you. Running has been my outlet, freedom, and wings since I was little. At times, motherhood has brought dark clouds [in the form of swirling and unstable post part hormones mainly] that only broke apart during my runs. As I ran, tears would stream down my cheeks. It was as if running brought my head above water, and I could finally breath. But the clouds would press back, and not to long after my sweaty brow was bone dry and salty, I’d be choking on emotions and wishing I could just go to sleep and not wake up. I pushed back when others tried to draw close – including my husband.
And then one day, the clouds cleared, and it was as if I was breathing for the first time. I was in therapy, seeing a dietician, and on a training plan for a half marathon to keep myself focused. I called my husband, told him happily – yet tentatively – that I woke up feeling like me, and he said,”lets enjoy today!” I’ve woken up feeling like me everyday since; not always full of energy with my 6, 4, and 1 year old still taking turns waking up at night, but me at the core. Mothers are human, and your essay connects at that very basic level. Thank you for being honest and vulnerable – I know all too well how scary it can be to open up about the dark days that stretch on beyond the horizon.
Thank you for opening your heart. I pray that, by opening it, only warmth, love and support will flow in from those who surround you, both in person and online.
Dimity,
You are very brave for sharing your story and your struggles. I’m so glad that you’re in a better place. How nice it would be if we could just “cure” depression, anxiety, any mental illness. Know that just by making it through that difficulty, you are now even stronger and can handle any more difficulties that may come your way. Thank you for sharing your story and I wish you many happy days ahead.
Thank you for sharing this post. I struggle with depression and running alleviates the symptoms. Except for the past year and a half I’ve been sidelined with a torn hamstring, so there has been a lot of couch sitting and much horribleness. It helps to read when others struggle, not to commiserate, but it makes me feel oh so normal, at a time when I have felt nothing like normal. I eventually dug my own way out (I went back to an old hobby quilting that allowed me the same sense of accomplishment). And now that I’m back to running its easier for me to deal with my normal winter blahs. I agree with the other commentors here, this was brave of you to share and the rest of us are all the better for it. Thank you Dimity.
Dimity thank you for letting us know, and I believe that out of this essay will come new light and peace for you and for many, many others. It’s amazing how much you have accomplished while you have been suffering.
Thank you so much for your essay: It provides a springboard for important conversations about depression. When in dark time, it is easy to feel alone. You were so wise to share your story so that another might benefit.
Words…they just don’t exist in the English language; or I’m not poetic enough to connect them to create something meaningful enough. So a simple Thank You will have to suffice.
THANK YOU – and it IS brave!