I don’t talk too much about body image. It’s not so much that I find it uncomfortable or somehow taboo — I mean, we all have bodies and internal thoughts about them — it’s just that the topic is in the air women breathe already. Show me a woman who doesn’t have very strong feelings about her [insert body part or parts here] and I’ll show you a woman who hasn’t ever opened a magazine, looked at Instagram, or turned on the TV. She also might have been raised out on the prairie in a little sod house where there were no other people around to judge her. She is also lying.
As girls, we’re trained that our bodies are pretty much everyone’s business. As women, we learn that our bodies are ours — or, at least, that’s what we mostly learn. But a little voice pipes up every now and again to remind us that our bodies are not what they ought to be.
Mine does, anyway, especially given how much time I spend among badass mother runners, who are universally strong and well-adjusted and brave. As a rule, it’s so, so easy to compare your own insides with someone else’s outsides, even if you know that’s a fool’s game.
I am that fool.
Snapped at some point during an awesome hike in Ogden, Utah. Rather than the scenery, all I can focus on is my belly.
My belly has never been a thing of loveliness. I spent my teens and early adulthood trying to stay below 200 pounds. By mid-adulthood, I had a better handle on my weight, but would never have been a flatter abs model. Now, after stretching to hold two enormous babies, my tummy is disinclined to regain any of its previous elasticity. The upper part just under my rib cage is the most vexing bit and makes a lovely little shelf for me to obsess about.
My belly is the first thing I look for in pictures. I know I can’t buy shirts that are too tailored because it’ll just make the front all lumpy. It sticks out further than my boobs when I sit down so I always sit to camouflage it when I know someone might be watching.
I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time sitting for the past week because my most favorite sporting event ever — the U.S. Open — has been on. (Plus it’s like 9 billion degrees outside and our living room has AC.) As much as I’m enjoying the tennis, I’m fascinated by Serena Williams’ belly.
As the commentators keep reminding us, Serena had a baby about a year ago. Even for the greatest tennis player of all time, the road back wasn’t easy. But right now, she is kicking ass and taking names.
This is BAMTP.
She also has the same rib cage shelf I do. It’s not as pronounced, mind you — her body is an efficient machine for whacking the fuzz off of tennis balls and mine is perfect for surviving a famine — but you can see it when she’s not actively using her abs. As far as I can tell, Serena doesn’t care even a little bit what any of us think about her belly. Sitting there on the couch, I wondered why I put so much energy into caring about mine.
I wish I had some great conclusion to all of this, where I could say that I’m now so well-adjusted that local academics want to write papers about my glowing self-esteem. Yet I remain stubbornly human and have moments where I look upon my tummy and despair. Serena does, too, I suspect.
The older I grow, I have more moments like the one I had during last week’s long run. About 90 minutes in, some little bug decided to land on my thigh. I brushed him or her off and was shocked to feel my muscles working underneath my skin. I wouldn’t say my thigh was rock hard; I would say that it was rock adjacent, however.
Progress over perfection.
This guy — the dog, not my husband — will make a great running buddy, don’t you think?
I have no good segue for this: we adopted a giant dog a couple of weeks back. He seems to be part husky, part polar bear, and part Wookie. Once he learns his leash manners, I’m going to see how he does on a run. What could possibly go wrong?
Hello my love. A whole unpublished blog post is sitting in my drafts folder about much the same sort of thing. My particular area of permanent concern is my chunky lower half – strong chunky short legs. Remember all those race pics everyone posted from Ogden? I didn’t post mine. Because I looked like a stumpy dwarf. And I don’t like that I say that about myself, and I don’t like that i think that and I disagree with my saying that about myself. But nonetheless. And I KNOW with my head that I had a fantastic day and my mental game was strong and I really loved every minute of that race. And that I BQ’ed narrowly and that was a huge thing for me. But all it takes is a look at my chunky thighs and I think. “Oh.” Not that badass after all, are you? So in conclusion. No tips for you. I tend to think these things and thank god, I tend to move on as well. My dachshund receives a fair amount of my love and attention and, to be fair, his legs really are short and he doesn’t let that affect his self image. Also he runs with me so I think your wolf will be great.
Beware the BRD! I have been in the ER twice in the last 6 months as the result of my “graceful” running ability combined with the “exuberance” of a not-quite-2-year-old goldendoodle who is darn lucky he is so cute!
To Train I used this for my Golden Retriever,
https://www.petsmart.com/dog/training-and-behavior/training-collars-leashes-and-harnesses/top-paw-training-prong-dog-collar-49348.html?cgid=100264
She runs with me now at my side like a good girl.
Also: NEVER wrap the leash around your wrist. Better for your dog to run away then break your wrist.
I, too, am OBSESSED with the US Open and Serena Williams! I was a tennis player growing up in the 80’s, am 5’10” and have always hated my legs! They were and are not the perfect long, spindly things that women my height (i.e. the women in the media in the 80’s – think models) were supposed to have.
Our country’s love/hate relationship with Serena is so important for girls to be able to witness precisely
BECAUSE she inhabits her own planet- 180 degrees from the “ideal” physical female form. I truly believe that when you hear people say they can’t stand her it is based on her non traditional appearance. I LOVE that she not only had a baby, but makes no excuses for herself and just got back on the court and is crushing everyone!! I have a young daughter (6) who has 2 older brothers. I secretly LOVE to watch her play sports more than watching my boys – the pure joy on her face is phenomenal. Hopefully, Serena and I can teach her to love her legs!!
Thank you for your post.
The only time I didn’t like my body was when I was about 15 and Twiggy was the rage. I cut my hair like hers (and my three sisters also). My mom wasn’t too happy. I started running at 16 (not to lose weight, but just because I had a big dog that liked to run) and the rest is history. It’s 4:12 a.m. now. I am headed out for a 45 min run followed by a 45 min. swim. This almost 65 yr. old body can do some pretty amazing things if my mind tells it to!
I love this. I have had 2 kids and my abdominal muscles are far apart. My belly is source of frustration to me, and I vacillate between feeling strong and feeling like Santa Claus! I agree completely about Serena. Her body frightens people. She’s so strong and in that body. A great role model for us all.
Adrienne, I’m right there with you! Just want to throw out some words to commiserate with you! And I, too, have been watching Serena slaughter her opponents on the court – in a tutu. She’s absolutely amazing! By the way, if you choose to start running with the wolf, I recommend buying a good harness for him. It’s easier for you to control his speed and where he goes and it’s safer for him. Pulling on his neck can hurt him. So, safer for both you and him and easier for you. That’s a win. Good luck!
My insert body part is somewhat new to me and not the same one I obsessed about in my awkward teens years. 18+ years ago I had my first of 2 c-sections which created a pooch (not the cute doggie kind) that hangs over my scar. It creates problems when buying pants and shorts and I once seriously thought of having it surgically removed. When I was younger, my bottom have (butt and thighs) were my angst. Running has transformed those areas into still large but super strong body parts. I try to focus more on my strong parts and kiss my 2 “babies”, now 16 and 18 years old, when I think of my pooch. Good luck running with your super cute (love the goofy expression!) pooch!
Yet you can go to any beach and see stout, bare chested men in every direction, strutting like peacocks with their bulging bellies. Double standard much?
Yet you can go to any beach and see stout, bare chested men in every direction, strutting like peacocks with their bulging bellies. Double standard much?
thank you for writing about something that has been in my head my entire life. I am the same way with race photos or rather, all photos in general…instead of focusing on the activity it reflects, I look for the parts of my body I hate. I feel you pain and feel so much better knowing I am not the only one.
No sage comment other than you speak the truth for so many of us. When I look at your Ogden pic, I see someone strong and confident in the midst of beautiful scenery. But I also understand that we often can’t see what others do when looking at ourselves. Thanks for keeping it real and reminding all of us that it’s ok to doubt but that we are also strong AF.
Just imagine 6 kids and 5 pregnancies (3 c-sections). I’ll never have abdominal tone to the extent a normal person does again. I jokingly said that to my doctor. She told me that getting tone in those muscles should have happened right after the c-sections. Who has time then?
Let me know how the dog does. We have three and I have yet to be brave enough to take any of them out with me.
Thank you for this! At 52, peri-menopausal, and still parenting teenage daughters, the old self-esteem can take some serious blows and it just makes me feel less alone in all this to read your post. (And you look strong, athletic & accomplished, btw)
I think it also needs to be included in this conversation that people don’t care about our bodies as much as WE think they do. Honestly, I saw your picture and I thought, “hey! That looks like Utah!” :D
So funny, so true, and I agree with Lindsay that no one cares as much as we think they do (or as we do ourselves).
Serena is so BA she can pretty much look, be however she wants to. Which is awesome.
This made me laugh >>> “[I wish I were] now so well-adjusted that local academics want to write papers about my glowing self-esteem. Yet I remain stubbornly human.”
THANK YOU!
Loved this and first thing I noticed was how cute your running skirt is! I had my last 2 kids in my very late 30’s and because of that my once toned tummy never bounced back. My oldest daughter so lovingly nicknamed my tummy a “croissant tummy”! I’ve never looked at my tummy or a croissant the same way again! HAHA
Great writing. And great skirt. Send the photo to Skirt Sports, if you aren’t already an ambassador. Thank you for sharing!
I am an ambassador – just a quiet one! Love Skirt Sports!
I have never given birth and Ive never had a flat stomach, even when I was 85 pounds as a teenager. I also have large upper arms. Both of which I have inherited from the German women in my family. I also always look for my belly in pictures, or stand in the back so you cant see me if Im in a group. You would think I would be over it at this age but I’m human! What’s interesting is no one else sees my flaws as I do and I don’t always see the flaws that others are looking for in themselves. I try to remind myself that Im strong, fit, healthy and much better off than a lot of women my age.
I totally see the polar bear in him! At least he can find you fish if you get lost on a trail run!!
This post is so darn timely! I’m losing weight and finding new spots on my body to obsess about. Thanks for the gentle reminder that I shouldn’t let it tear down the progress I’ve made!
I struggle with the same thing when it comes to pics. Why is that?!?! But when I looked at your pic, the first thing I saw is that we wear the same running shoes. :) Good luck with the new running buddy! He’s so fluffy!
What a writer you are! I’m hoping you’ve got a book in the works. I think the best writing always shows courage, and you’ve got it. You connected to something we all mourn but yet seldom talk about. We’ve lost the ability to love our own bodies, and it’s hell to try to call that power back–maybe the hardest thing. But you’ve begun it–my mantra is make the loss conscious, dwell in it, and reason with it, which is what you do in this article. And we feel your guidance on this. That says something about your real power. Thanks so much for this. I can’t wait to read whatever else you put your mind to.
Because I’m not great at self-promotion – a note: I do have two books currently out. One (Sweater Quest) is about knitting; the other (Hillbilly Gothic) is about babies, families, and postpartum depression – but funny, in the weird way I am funny. Both are on amazon!
Thanks so much for the kind word.
OK, seriously, I am not kidding, the first thing I noticed when I saw your picture was your SERIOUSLY toned and strong legs. I, like a previous poster, am 5’10” and have always carried my weight in my thighs (and now hips and tummy too). We’re all doing the best we can to be kind to ourselves. I really appreciate it when people like you can admit how hard that can be!
YES! This is a daily struggle between feeling strong and feeling like I could do better. Accepting is key, particulary when you have daughters, but being healthy is so important. Know your body and what’s right for you. Don’t accept ideals forced on us by media. There are MANY ways to be an athlete or just enjoy the outdoors.
Loved your whole post and these comments! I had to comment on the BRD — get him out early and often! My BRD is the best thing that happened to my running. Ask your vet how just how far his LRs should be. Mine goes home after 5 miles (and then I keep running; Fred seems OK with this). My advice: take him for a 5-min walk, then 6 min, then 7, then 8 — increase your time walking with him every day until you’re just taking him along for the duration of your training runs. Don’t make it a “smell everything” sort of activity. These walks are all business — keep moving for half your duration, then turn around and go home. Mine was a puppy when we started, so yours can go for longer at first if he’s doing well with staying focused on the run. When it feels right, move up to a run instead of walking the whole time. That face! He’ll do great. I LOVE running with a dog. My best tip — if he wants to pull you along, buy a Gentle Leader. Fred HATES the gentle leader and he runs and hides if he sees me holding it, but it’s been at least a year since he’s even needed it. It was wonderful when he thought he wanted to pull me along. (And he quickly got over it when I did have to put it on him. Just persevere.) Good luck! Can’t wait to read about adventures with BRD!
I needed to read this today, thanks for this!
Oh girl, you know how to slice to my very core. Thank you for this. While I often struggle with this very thing, the older I get, the more I realize that my body is amazing. It allows me to run marathons, bike 30+ miles, walk for hours, and do what many others cannot do. I choose to celebrate my body–flaws and all! That tummy of yours incubated two lovely children, and that is reason enough to celebrate it!
Love this!! Thank you for your courage in sharing… I’ve noticed my middle being more pronounced than before this past year. I’ve not worked my way into total acceptance yet, but I’m moving that way. And reading this was very needed…. Again… Thank you.
Congrats on your BRD!! Having run w/ a couple dogs (huskies specifically) throughout my running years, I have always liked having a leash that connects to my waist. I find that they settle into a pace quicker when attached to my waist. And my arm doesn’t ever feel like it’s going to fall out of my socket. I should note that I hate carrying things in my hands when I run … That’s another plus for the waist leash. I bought mine from REI. I have a friend that got one from Amazon. I have also noticed that my dogs tended to pick a side that they like to run on (and it wasn’t always the side I wanted them to run on. LOL!!). Give it time & start slow… You guys will find your rhythm… And from there, the fun really begins. ENJOY!!
Your words are the way I’ve felt all my life. At a point in my 40’s I thought someday I’m not going to care, but nope in my 60’s and still feeling it. I can only hope that the next generation of young women don’t worry about self image. We are our own worst critics. Thank you for sharing.
Honestly, I was just relieved that you didn’t have any tags out. AND you have the most luminescent skin in the world. Lit from within because you are so lovely through-and-through. AND you are intelligent and witty AF with a heart the size of Austin. Keep moving forward and inspiring us on and off the road.
Thanks for speaking the truth. My belly is the bane of my existence – and between some thyroid weirdness and recovering from my stupid foot surgery in June, it’s doing the opposite of shrinking. I appreciate your thoughts.
As for the BRD – I already run with an Amphipod fuel belt. I found that just slipping the handle of the leash into the belt then closing the belt’s velcro as per normal is the perfect hands-free setup. My dog is a maniac except when leashed up to run with me. He’s a wire fox terrier and so I have one of those people-might-call-the-cops-on-you chain collars on him just to remind him who is the boss… but yeah, help him get in shape by doing HR101 with him (start easy, add on gradually). My BRD got out of shape during my hiatus due to aforementioned foot, and it’s taken some work to get him back into the game. But dang, I love having a BRD, and training him to go with you is 200% worth the effort. Thanks for being you.
I love this. Thank you.
Adrienne!!!! This one…this one…is just so well written and hits home to (i would guess) every BAMR. You are beautiful, and perfectly imperfect and that is just so admirable to be able to put in to words so well!
Keep on keepin on.But dont forget to look forward, not down. The waist will likely be there, yes…maybe to store some running fuel, or just to remind you that YOU are a REAL woman too. But look up at that beautiful landscape and at that beautiful you.
Btw, I do have a BRD, she reminds me that we need to “pick up the pace”, that I am “A great BRF” for playing with her on the trails, but mostly she keeps reminding me that I need to look around at all of the wonderful things that I need to SEE on our runs…even though I obsess about my thighs. Those Strong Legs keep us running and for that I am so thankful for (most days).
You guys! Thanks so much for letting me know I’m not alone, either.
I’ll let you know how the dog running goes. My only goal is to not break anything.
Thank you for being so brave to write this post. SOOO many women can relate to this. I frequently get caught up in this as well. The only thing that has helped me is to commit to running a clothing optional race 1 or 2 times a year. While I am there, I feel invincible. I look around, and every one looks very similar to me…and they don’t look bad at all. And everyone is laughing and having fun, and looking CONFIDENT…because , let’s face it, there is no where to hide that poochy tummy or saddlebags or cellulite. For the next several days after I return, I am reminded that my body kicks ass, and no one is looking at me more than I am looking at myself. I’m telling ya, doing this every year keeps me and my friends sane. Adrienne – I’m gonna get ya to this some year!
I’ve always had a rib shelf – even before I had babies, so I feel you on this! I also have small breasts so my rib shelf is very prominent. I have weeks where I don’t think about my body at all and other weeks where I obsess. Maybe it will always be like that, but the older I get the more I find myself caring less and less. Power to you, you strong, beautiful badass mama!
For me it’s the wrinkles on my face and the way my face looks like it’s fallinf off my face. My husband I backpacked through New Zealand last year and I was so distraught by the pictures of my face I didn’t see the strong 56 year old woman that was able to go up and down mountains and leave all the younger people in the dust on the trail. Those wrinkles made the journey too !