Today we are introducing a new bi-monthly column: Room on the Road by Denise Dollar, who you might know as the founder of Heart Strides. She is in the process, as many of us are, of struggling with body issues as she finds her way back to running.
“Just start where you’re at.” Dimity’s instructions echo in my head. Sure, write about where I’m at. Easy enough, but where the hell am I?
Crossing the parking lot, I yell back to her, “How many words?” Picking up on my surge of anxiety and excitement, she says, “Just introduce yourself. Start there.” Simple enough.
You would think this would be the easy part. It’s not. I’m not sure that I know who I am right now. I know who I’ve been, and who I want to be. Right in this moment though? I don’t know who I am.
Who I was in Wisconsin, where I lived for 15+ years: The mom of two kids, the oldest having been diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes at the age of three, and later on the Autism Spectrum. I quickly and unknowingly, fell into a pattern of ignoring my own health needs. Self-care was not on my radar. Never crossed my mind.
Who I was in Boulder, where we moved in 2011: I didn’t intend on running when we moved here, but about two months after our move I saw a photo of myself on the trail with my daughter and was surprised by what I saw. I started walking and joined Weight Watchers for the first time and found success. After a friend mentioned that running would boost my weight loss, I didn’t hesitate. I hit the trail like Boulder’s new running ambassador.
I trained for my first half with passion, and I admit, there was a little part of me that stuck my tongue out at the running world. Look! I can be a runner too! Running made me feel strong. Being on the trail gave me a freedom that I hadn’t felt in a long time and I was hooked.
Where I am now (besides still living in Boulder): Not quite back where I was before I started running, but in a familiar, uncomfortable spot. I’ve gained back some of my ‘lost’ weight, and my running has turned into a mixed bag of intervals, short runs and long walks. I had some health issues last November that kept me off the trails and my treadmill until this February, but by then I had lost touch with that passionate, excited runner I had once become.
Where I am today: Struggling. There, I said it. I’m struggling like never before. I’m also frustrated, irritated, a little mad, and a little beside myself.
The minute I get into my car my head is swirling with ideas. I consider pulling over and taking notes. Weight gain, weight loss, body image, running, not running, moving, not moving… eating, not eating, healthy, not healthy, thin, fat, strong, weak. My head starts to hurt.
Yeah, just start where I’m at, I think to myself.
I’m about 20 minutes away from my exit when I start thinking about eating lunch. With a few options along the way, I’m surprised that I want to go to McDonald’s. For the next 15 minutes—yes, a long 15 minutes—I stress about going, not going, fries, no fries, big mac, and no big mac. I’m craving it, but it’s not good for me, but if I eat it then I won’t crave it, but I’ll eat it and then I’ll be mad at myself, but if I don’t eat it I’ll feel like I’m shaming myself. An internal conversation I’m all too familiar with.
Welcome to my world.
I swerve into the right lane, the lane that will take me there. I’m tempted to drive past the entrance; by then my internal battle has blown up to epic proportions and it just feels ridiculous to me.
I turn the corner, pull into the parking lot and see one of the workers outside smoking a cigarette. That’s it, I can’t eat here, I think to myself. But my car ends up in the drive-thru line. I’m waiting for the person ahead of me to finish ordering. I think about how the food will taste. I think about how it’s been about a year since I’ve eaten at a McDonald’s, and wonder why now? What am I really craving? I think about how crappy I’m going to feel after I eat. I pull out of the line. I think about how good it might taste, that I shouldn’t deprive myself.
For god sake, Denise, it’s just a burger. But we all know it’s really not.
I don’t really want that burger. I don’t want a hug or a ‘you can do it’ either.
I just want the courage to be who I am right now, to love the body I’m in, to meet myself exactly where I am.
I keep driving.
This is where I’m at.
Thank you for your honesty. There isn’t a woman alive who hasn’t had similar thoughts. I’m currently struggling with “do I want to run”, as I deal with on-going hip issues. Again, thank you for writing this.
Thanks for your honesty and heartfelt message. I think as women and moms and even runners we are all in the same place. Do we really love the bodies we are in? Yes I feel strong when I run but it’s a temporary feeling I can look in the mirror and point out my flaws but can I look in the mirror and say wow I’m amazing. I’m learning to appreciate all that my body has done and continues to do so hopefully one day I can look in the mirror and say I love you body your the best!
Wow! I can’t tell you how much this hit home for me as I lay here procrastinating getting up for an early morning run. The dog would love to go, and truth be told, I’d be glad I went too. But instead I’m here berating myself for not getting up after a restless 5 hours of sleep. For eating the chocolate covered pretzels last night. For not knowing how to accept the physical self I’ve become. For not having the will power or mental toughness I need to change it. Even though I’m uncomfortable with it.
Struggling. That’s where I’m at, too. Thanks for naming it for me.
Thanks for this. It’s what I needed and really hit home. I took a “break” from running in April Andy heart wants to get back into it but my head is taking it’s sweet old time. I’m struggling and while I still can’t figure out why, it was so nice to read your post. For once I didn’t feel alone, and like some lazy, overweight woman (because I’ve gained 10-15 pounds since I stopped running too). I hate looking in the mirror and putting clothes on, clothes that are now snug or just don’t fit like they did less than a year ago. I needed this and I look forward to your next blog. Thank you.
Oh, Denise. I so feel you! That internal struggle of what you want to eat, but think you shouldn’t eat, but I WANT it, but it’s not good for you….. I completely relate, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. Thank you for putting it out there. It reminds us all to start where we are, right this moment, and go from there. As Dimity says, “run the mile you’re in.” Same is true for nutrition and everything else, right?
this was really perfect. and we don’t hear this enough b/c we have ALL been there. or ARE there with you. you are enough and thank you for your honesty. . .such a gift today. xo
I love you SO MUCH. So. Much.
OMG! How did you get into my head?????? Every.Damn.Day. ALL day long. It’s a constant battle. People wonder why I’m so exhausted all day long, all of the time. I think you may get it. I think you might be too…. But, it’s nice to know that I am not alone. And I cannot wait to read more.
All I can say is I’m psyched you will be writing regularly. :)
Denise, I so know where you are. Right next to me. I’ve put on some weight, although the fluctuations since I moved to North Carolina have been less than when I was in NY. I’ve not been running like I want to be but WILL get back out there. I need a schedule and am going to start with that. I’m eating better and now want to exercise better.
Denise, your honesty is refreshing. I am so glad to have found this tribe that gets it. That understands that we are all in different places and that’s okay. May we all find the courage to be happy where we are.
SO. MUCH. THIS. Thank you for sharing. This has been me since last fall. I’m in the car next to you, friend, and I see you. Hugs.
Been right where you are in an ebb and flow cycle for most of my adult life. I could get on my soap box about cultural expectations ingrained since childhood blahblah…instead, you might resonate with Isabel Foxenduke and her voice at this point. Just love her and ENd. The. Crazy. Around. Food. Seriously. Liberating.
Thanks for such an honest post!
You are so not alone, be kind to yourself. Lots of Love!
This is my life! Losing and gaining the same for the past 10 (15?) years. I can’t wait to see more from you in the future, Denise!
I am one who is very glad that I’ll be reading your posts on a regular basis. Heartfelt and honest, struggling and making, that’s where you are and I find I could be right beside you. One day at a time.
WOW! Felt like I was reading my own story. Thank you for having the courage to start where you are.
How did you get inside my head? I think there a lot of us out there that have the same struggles. Thanks for being honest.
You are living in my head!!! I have those internal, can’t shut them off, dialogues in my head all day long!! Denise, you have given me strength to start where I am! Hitting the road tomorrow morning! I know this Tribe will be there with me in spirit!!
You are not alone. I have written many of these same thoughts this month in my rambling emails to a dear friend.
Man. 100% A constant, stupid, stressful battle! Isn’t part of loving yourself where you are right now, not depriving yourself of small things that make you happy-like french fries? But isn’t it also giving yourself the opportunity to be the best “you”, you can be? Neither? Both? SO looking forward to this column-maybe we can all figure this out together. (For the record, french fries are friggin delicious and can not be denied)
I’ll say it too….you’re in my head and so perfectly captured the battle. I’m learning that we all have these battles, just replace the theme (weight, confidence, appearance, motherhood…). We aren’t alone in our struggles if we support each other. I think of life as this evolving tapestry of moments (days) filled with runs or blank spaces for missed runs and they’re all part of the end design of positive and negative space. Replace runs with whatever you want but in the end its our creation…
Thank you for having the courage to write this Denise! I am with you, right there with you. And reading all these other posts it seems it’s not just the two of us!
Thanks Denise for sharing. The passion and excitement will come back when you are ready. In the meanwhile, don’t beat yourself up. We have all been there in one way or another.
Love this column, love your charity. Be kind to yourself. Learning to take care of yourself is really hard, esp. when your children have special needs (both of mine do). And you do deserve time to take care of yourself. The exercise really helps to keep me balanced and sane, and less likely to turn to food as a way to relieve stress. As many others have commented, you are not alone!
This is authentic and brave, Denise. I had the same convos with myself–and it looks like there are many others on this “start where you are” journey. I look forward to following yours…welcome!
I do feel so much like you. When my son was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes at the age of 5. I put on so much weight. It was so much easier to eat pre-made foods so I would know how much insulin to give him. When you look at the box of Ritz cheese and crackers you can read the label and know how many carbs are in it. When you look at a apple you have to guess. It got to the point where it was just easier and than I just started craving it. I did not find running until several years after he was diagnosed. Once I started it was nice to do something for me. I’m glad you are finding where you are at.
You are not alone. Your internal struggle with the McDonalds line reminds me of all the conversations I have each day whether it be about food, wine, tv, or fitness. I’m constantly striving to be the person that doesn’t have to think about making the ‘right’ choice. Only I don’t think that person actually exists in reality. We all have internal struggles right? Some just struggle with things other than health. Thank you for putting yourself out there Denise. Start where you are… Where am I? I’m at a poi t where i simply can’t make more time in my day to run. I just can’t. So today, I packed some walking shoes for my lunch break, because that time already exists. Lots of love to you!
You are a great addition to the AMR family and will be a helpful voice. Dimity and Sarah have done a great job of gathering contributors for all the resources we enjoy. I plan to share this on my FB page and say it is not just for my running friends. I think you give attention to the great need caregivers have for self care. It’s so important whether you are a parent, a spouse, or adult child helping elderly parents. I love the line in your post where you say “the car ended up in the drive-thru line.” That’s a phenomenon we can all relate to! Good job describing the struggle. It’s real. Hang in there! And thanks for letting us all know we are not alone!
I appreciate your honesty, Denise, and resonate with where you’re at. Thank you!
Many welcoming hugs, Denise! This morning I read this in MIRACLES NOW by Gabrielle Bernstein: “The moment we begin to celebrate ourselves and focus on our successes is the moment we begin living.” Today is one of your successes!
YES! I am there too…the voices of judgement inside are sometimes too much. Thank you for your poignant words and for sharing your struggle and the struggle of many!
Denise I am SO with you mama bear! I discovered running as a way to weight loss after my second child and fell madly in love with how hard it was, how amazing it was, how infuriating and rewarding it was to my entire health. Here I am having run countless races, able to achieve 4 half marathons and then multiple injuries sidelining me for 9 months. Its been a year and I am STARTING ALL OVER and it sucks ha! But each day Im trying to just love it and stay focused on my goal. I relocated to Florida from Michigan in July (talk about climate change lol) and began again. It has humbled me to say the least but after finally crawling out of my fear I began again. In August it was do or die so I went out and bought FUN new running shoes and said to hell with it here I go and did a whopping 20 minutes. I felt like I may die lol but Its been about 10 weeks now and I just got THREE MILES under my belt! My pace isn’t anything to brag about and I need to interval 1min walk and 1min run but I don’t care Im back out there and happy again. You can find it again that happiness and freedom whether your a cheetah or an elephant in peanut butter like me : ) I thoroughly loved and enjoyed your post and look forward to following you!!!
I get this 100%. I appreciate you putting what you are going through out there for all of us to read. It makes you feel like you are not alone.
Thank you for your honesty! Right there with you! We are our own worst critic-learning to be confident in where I am right this moment is my daily struggle too.
Glad to know that I’m not the only one at this point. I was so excited and passionate about weight loss and exercise 2 years ago. Then, I got sick. Then I had to travel for work. Then, I … . I’ve gained back all but around 15 lbs and struggle to push myself to exercise and run. I remember how much I loved it when I was doing it before. How do I get back to loving it and doing it this time?
Thank you for your honesty! Right there with you. I live in that f*cking internal battle all the time!
Thank you for your honesty. You’re not alone. I love to hate, then love, then hate my body…..it’s a constant battle in my head.
I love Denise! I had the pleasure of meeting her at an AMR event last November. I am so excited that you will be contributing to the blog. Today’s post is great! Honestly beautiful.
Even though you don’t want a hug, I’m sending one anyways! I love Ellison’s comment about celebrating yourself. But I sense you’re unhappy with your current self. Those darn voices in our heads. I also sense your courage and know you will figure out your path. With your regular contributions through your columns, you’ll have many with you on this journey which will be so supportive. And I can only imagine how much love you’ll feel and also give in turn. Hang in there!♥️
Can totally relate, Denise. You are not alone. Thanks for a open, honest post. We’re all in this together… hugs!
The McDonalds (or insert name here) struggle is real! Thank you!
Yes! Yes! Yes! What is with that inner dialogue, anyway?!? ‘ That last paragraph is everything.
You are not alone, I have those dialogues with myself every single day. I haven’t got it all figured out but I try and reinforce what really makes me feel good and its usually not the food or skipping a run.
Where do I begin? I love this Denise. I may not relate to it completely from the weight perspective but since moving away from Wisconsin to Connecticut I have found myself struggling with “who am I?” My running is what keeps me mostly sane from 3 kids, a very busy working husband, and a lonely feeling. I love that you are writing. I can empathize with the internal struggles. Do I have that cookie with my latte or not? Did I earn it? But it tastes so good and yes, if I give in to the craving I will be satisfied. It will make me feel happy. But really the cookie isn’t making me happy. I need to find my happy. Thus I keep hitting the road with my two feet in hopes to find who I am and what makes me happy. I look forward to following along with your journey. Hoping I can fight out of my struggle right alongside you. Hugs.
Oh, man. Been there. Done that. Given in and driven past. You’re so right—Iit makes your head hurt. I’m really looking forward to your next post. Thanks for sharing!
Me too
Thank you. Thank you for being honest and open and raw. For being real. I read this post and wanted to scream out loud “been there, sister. am there, sister.” Thank you. Welcome.
Yes, yes, yes. All these things have been floating in my head the last year. I might make my husband read this so he can understand, you’ve worded it so much more perfectly than I ever could.
Yes. thank you for writing what so many of us are feeling. I’m tired of being where I am. I look forward to finding my way out and reading about your journey too.
I love your post and can not wait for the next one. I am restarting my running journey after a i jury and it is so very hard. Lost my mojo but I have got to reclaim it.
I was on holiday and had to come back to this after reading your post today.
All be it not the first AMR podcast that has made to tear up, one that sucker punched me as well. IN a world that looks to be happy to tear each other down, it is nice to have others that are willing to share such raw emotion that helps others.
This is so good Denise. I can totally relate, as I too have an insane voice alway chattering away in my head. Telling me I’m not smart enough…Thanks for sharing your time with me today, and this message with so many. You are an inspiration.