For the past week, I’ve felt like a grocery cart that looks like all the rest, but has one wheel that is off-kilter and, as such, requires Popeye-size biceps to steer.
In other words, from the outside, everything looks fine. I’m rolling and I’m moving and I’m holding the cilantro and the flour and the yogurt just fine.
It’s just that it’s taking a lot of work to do the job.
Let me back up. We finished Train Like a Mother on last Monday–Labor Day, to put a fine point on it–and I was weary but very satisfied, kind of like how you feel after you finish a race you’ve been focusing on for months on end. You get to the finish line, you look back and think how in the h-e-double-hockey-sticks did I do that? Your confidence soars, you keep reliving certain parts of the race–or in this case, sentences that made me laugh–and you think you’ll never fall off the cloud you’ve landed on.
And then you wake up the morning or two after the race, and you don’t have a run you have to do. Or a chapter you have to write. And that structure that felt so restricting, that plan you couldn’t wait to be done with, that thing that consumed your thoughts and body and emotions for months suddenly feels as comforting as a hug from your mom. You need it back. You plummet to the ground, and wonder where that badass, bold woman from yesterday went.
We always say to have plans, post-big-race, so that those blues don’t grip you by the neck. Set up time with friends you haven’t seen, start on the projects you’ve been putting off, spend Saturday mornings making pancakes–not racking up miles–in the double digits. A date with the linen closet isn’t exactly the same as nailing a PR, but you’re filling your time and remembering that there’s more to life than that race, that training, that book.
Taking my own advice, I thought about how I was going to fill my time, post-TLAM. My first order of business: treating myself to a pedicure, my first of the (almost-over) summer.
Next up: organizing the space around my dining room table so that it doesn’t always look like this:
After I had that all tidied up–would probably require a trip to the Container Store (fun!)–I’d be warmed-up and ready for bigger projects, like this monstrosity:
But neither project happened; I took both those pictures tonight. Instead of embracing all the free time I thought I was going to just love, love, love, my virtual grocery cart wheel went askew.
As hard as it is for me to admit, I am not o.k. with downtime. I have a hard time embracing the space, when it appears, in my life. I feel most alive when I’m striving, feeling stressed, under the gun and needing to produce. Give me fourteen things to do, and 24 hours to do them in, and I might complain or become just a little bit of a martyr, but I’ll get them all done–and feel jubilant that I did. Give me a random, quiet Wednesday, when I can just chill, maybe read, and not answer 40 e-mails and maybe just be fine with that? Don’t feel so alive–or even very good, if I’m being honest.
To make another analogy, I feel like I’m stuck in one of those like those really awkward, hard poses in yoga, when a lithe, beautiful instructor tells me to just “breathe into” the places that are tight. As far as I can tell, I have never been able to direct my breath to my tight hamstrings, my aching back, or some ligament I never knew I had until I pretzel’ed myself up. I just pant as deeply as I can, and I hang there and hang there and pretend like I don’t feel like I’m about to snap in half, until finally, I release from the pose. No wonder yoga never feels easier to me.
So after a week of fighting the quiet, avoiding the mundane chores, feeling unstressed and terribly unmoored, I breathed into the stillness as best I could. I made my standby pumpkin muffins, which haven’t been baked in months around here:
Then I pulled out the old Moosewood Cooking For Health, since I’m still eating like I’m under deadline and can’t.be.bothered.to.actually.make.food, and cooked up some portobellos with peppers, tomatoes, spices and onions. And, of course, twice the amount of Monterey Jack cheese recommended.
Then I sat down with my husband at our cluttered table–I just shoved everything, minus some kindergarten artwork, to the other end– and I slowed down some more.
Tonight, I’m aiming for over eight hours of sleep–another thing I’ve been lacking–and then I’ll be up at 5:20, so I can run four easy miles with some pals.
I’ll check in with the sticky wheel after that. My guess is that it might need a few more breaths–or at least a start on the bubble-gum-kit closet situation.
I hate the “what now” feeling….just finished my 2nd half ironman but I have a late fall half marathon to lok forward to now !
Congrats on 2nd half-ironman, Tami–and for having something else down the chute. The what now feeling isn’t good for sure, but something tells me it’s something we–or least I–have to reconcile sooner than later.
Aaaaah, this makes me feel normal! I LOVE the pictures of your pantry and table. Just yesterday I asked a neighbor to check on our new puppy at lunch while I was at work, (teacher, USAF marathon this week, three kids, mother in law on site and added another dog…taper puppy!) and when I got home, walked around the house looking with her eyes at the mess I left that morning. I really appreciate this post and wish more of us could admit the controlled and possibly happy chaos we exist in. Can’t wait to check out the new book!!
Love that description, Deb: controlled and possibly happy chaos. That’s what I live in. But looking at your house through somebody else’s eyes is always, um, eye-opening. :)
I appreciate your honesty, Dimity! It is good to know that suffering from post-(race, project, etc.) depression is a common ailment. Having been in that slump myself, I wish you the best of luck finding ways to fill the void. Like any junkie, I am sure you will find a way! ;-)
I think we’ve all been there, Jenny. It’s part of the circle of life (to get a little cheesy on you) and definitely the circle of running. The good news is that it’s round, and it’ll come around again.
I will, inevitably, get a migraine as soon as I can relax after go-go-going for a long time (or just get sick.) Then there is the fact that I graduated school in June and thought I’d have *so* much free time, yeah right! I was working full time, taking 2 classes a semester, at one point teaching Spinning as well, and running, with a husband and 2 kids. I graduated magna cum laude (overachiever much?) AND my house looks the same way as yours…..
You are not alone!
Congrats, Lisa, on the MCL! Nicely done. Do your best to relax into it….easier typed than done, I realize.
Reading this post was like reading a post-race journal entry. I am the same way. At the end of training, I hate the schedule – but I am fully dependent on it. I begin to define myself by the workout posted on the wall calendar, and nothing else. I go from hating the physical/emotional stress and exhaustion to feeling like I can’t feel normal without it. I have learned to have plans for my post-race workouts, free time and even next race in mind before I finish my training – but still I have the same sense of floundering and “what next? – what now?” you describe. Thanks for sharing your feelings so honestly and openly.
My pleasure, Heidi. Post-big-thing blues are huge, and it’s important, I think, to know that before you finish your thing…it’s easy to focus on the big thing as if it’s the only thing, and then you wake up and are like, wow, things are pretty much the same as they were before this big thing, but it’s gone, so what do I do now? Write run-on sentences, apparently. :)
I am so happy for you, Dimity! Congrats on the book. Regarding your pantry…I think you can get rid of the bulb syringe on the top shelf. Ben and Amelia can blow their own noses now. :)
You think? But what if I need that syringe for something that I can’t even imagine what for right now…but you never know, right?
You had me at bubble gum kit. I had no idea there was such a thing. I am ordering it immediately, as we must have that. I have no idea how you had the focus to work on a book when a bubble gum kit was staring at you. Congrats again on getting that off. I predict you’ll be swamped in no time. It’s almost ski season, right?
Ugh, be warned. MESS-SIE! And kind of gross flavors. But the kids liked it.
CONGRATULATIONS!!! Can’t wait to get my hands on it. Oh, and my dining room table looks very similar to that….TOTALLY my second office. You guys rule!
Third office, btw, is on the couch in front of Millionaire Matchmaker. In case you were wondering. :)
Congrats on finishing the book!
And I’m glad someone else’s house looks as bad as mine does. Not that I’m saying yours looks bad or anything… ;)
Gotta love honesty!
What are you saying, Amy? :) Kidding. Unless you live by yourself or with another adult, a mess is inevitable. Or that’s what I’m telling myself anyway.
Congrats on finishing the BOOK! Isn’t that always the way? We dream about having some down time but the second it happens we’re looking for the next project. Glad you cracked open the Moosewood book had a good meal and wow even got your hubby in a blog pic! Enjoy the breath!
Thanks, Marcia…we had a great meal…and, even better, there’s leftovers today!
Such a great post, and I’m so relieved to see that everyone has clutter :) Can you share your pumpkin muffin recipe? Fall’s a-comin’ and I can’t wait to bust out some new recipes (plus, I have to bring a dozen to school on Thursday, ha! I cannot WAIT until the book comes out!
Hey Sally–Here you go. It’s towards the bottom of this post…maybe make a nuun cocktail while you’re at it. :)
http://anothermotherrunner.com/2010/06/18/nuun-cocktails-homemade-gummies-and-other-running-appetizers/
Free time, at the beginning of the school year, what’s that????
Dimity, I am so like you in that way it is scary! This summer was hectic with Hood to Coast (I am captain) and my sister’s wedding. Both are done and I feel strangly out of whack as I have no major personal projects on the docket. I am so looking forward to the new book. I can’t wait! Congrats to you and SBS for getting it done.
Congrats on the book! For me work is never boring – one book not even finished (but close) and I’m assigned another that I have to start prepping for. And cleaning seems to be a never ending project. I have a couple closets and one room that could really benefit from a major overhaul . . . possibly after my half marathon on 10/2. Wishful thinking.
Hey Dimity–I tried to make pumpkin muffins w/ chocolate chips per your recipe *twice* over the weekend. I went to two different grocery stores and was told that pumpkin “isn’t in season.” What’s the deal with grocery stores up here????
Anyway….I can totally relate. Deadlines are galvanizing. On the sleep…why is that when you *can* get 8 hours of sleep for once, you lie awake with your eyeballs going left and right, waiting for it to happen?
Don’t worry! I’m sure you have another deadline or race coming up very soon. :^)
Congratulations on finishing the new book! I know that letdown after a major deadline, the “now what?” that comes when you finally have a moment to take a breath, look around… and see the total chaos that surrounds you, like the pantry that’s moments away from a nightly news-worthy avalanche (“California woman killed by cereal boxes and canned tomatoes”).
The next challenge awaits. It’s probably hiding in the pantry. ;)
You don’t have a beer… it’s empty!
So I staged it a little. :) Enjoyed the beer while I was cooking….
great post. sage advice! maybe i missed it, but when is Train Like a Mother going to be available? Can’t wait!
Hey Ashlee: thanks for asking. Out in March of 2012. It’s available for pre-order on Amazon now, just in case you want to cross something off your to-do list. :)
great post!! can’t wait for the book. I’ve been walking all. day. long with an octopus …i mean baby- who screams the second I stop. I have 4 laundry baskets full of clothes waiting to be put away amongst other things. But I can’t do any of it because i have to walk the baby. when I do get a spare second I run not clean or do laundry!
Dimity, thanks for being so honest and sharing the pictures of your kitchen and breathing a sigh of reality out into the world.
You could do what I do after finishing a long training season…sign up for another one. I know I’m being greedy to hope that you and SBS would take on another book before this one has even come out. It’s just a thought.
Michelle: that’s such a compliment. Thank you. We’ll see. I do love to write…we just need to run more races to get some more fodder. :)
I love reading your posts and I can’t wait until your new book comes out!! Loved your last book!!! BTW, you look very relaxed, I can empathize with you though. I work muck better under a deadline, rather than having no deadlines (I am a kindergarten teacher and have 3 kids of my own, so summers off and my house looks like a bomb went off in it! My house is more orderly (not necessarily cleaner, when school us in session!)
Funny how you can come up with a list of those thing you want to do “when you have time one day,” but when the downtime comes, you don’t get anything done! At least, I don’t. And then I kick myself for wasting my free time. Ah well, sometimes you just gotta go with the flow, right?
3 things: first, I LOVE orange on my toenails! Ever since my preschooler picked out a bright tangerine for me in summer 2010. My fave! Second, I also love pumpkin chocolate chip muffins and know EXACTLY how you feel about that batter. I make it all the time in the fall too and now I just may have to make it today. :) And third, it’s funny to read this right now, b/c I am just like you in terms of how you feel when stressed/busy vs. have free time, AND I am also in the home stretches of writing a book. (Actually, doing the last rewrites.) Right now I’m so busy and crazed I would kill for a free chunk of time. But how will I actually feel when it’s done? Probably a lot like you — well, maybe after one day of lazing around eating bonbons (or pumpkin muffins). I would really like one day.
eeeekkkk! I am SOOOO excited for Train Like a Mother! :)
Also, i feel compelled to admit that i am a pumpkin bread maniac. However, i’ve never considered adding chocolate chips. I am certain, my love for pumpkin has just expanded exponentially! Thanks for the idea!!
P.S. I am also fairly certain my hips will be expanding exponentially after all the additional pumpkin bread. sigh….
Kelly: one tip about the CC in pumpkin muffins/bread: use the mini chips. Then they don’t plummet to the bottom of the loaf. Happy eating!
good to know! Thanks! :)
I am so in awe of you guys. You really are inspiring. Congratulations on another incredible accomplishment.
Also, I have a great chocolate chip pumpkin bread recipe. My kids don’t love it so of course I have to eat it all myself – which makes my Oct. 9th half-marathon a chance to run it off!