As soon as I start to get all the loneliness-of-the-long-distance-runner (or, more accurately, of-the 4-mile-runner), I suddenly have opportunities beyond lightly treading through my ‘hood route I now know better than the words to “Brown Bear, Brown Bear.”
Since I’ve been force feeding my kids workbooks–“Don’t you want to write your name, Ben?” “Don’t you want to do a crossword puzzle, Amelia?”– recently in order to get them back into the academic mindset, I gotta play fair. So two assignments I’m taking on in August:
First up: 10 Miles in Leadville
I ran 7 miles with Katie this morning, a woman I met a few months ago when I did a reading with the Colorado Columbines, and Jean, her friend. Katie has three kids–ages 14 to 8-9ish (going into 3rd grade)–and is running the Leadville 100 this year. She’s had Leadville simmering in her brain for 8 years, ever since she read an account by Jean, a two-time finisher, in the Columbine newsletter. (Jean, the mother to a 6 + 3 year old, is taking it on for the first time, post-kids, this year.)
What inspires me about Katie? Believe it or not, it’s not the distance. Not that 100 miles isn’t impressive–it certainly is–but what gets me is that she’s a really smart, talented runner interested in pushing herself to a point beyond comfortable. She’s the kind of runner who, I’m pretty sure, could rip off a marathon without training (and do it faster than me, even if I had focused on it for 6 months), so she’s seeking new limits. Not just a random, throw-a-dart-at-active.com race, but a barrier that she’s had in a blurry focus, amid the trials of raising three kids, for eight.whole.years, a time span beyond inspiring to my flighty, what’s-next, hard-to-commit brain.
Speaking of gray matter, she knows her biggest hurdle going into Leadville is her mind. “I realized this weekend that there is absolutely nothing I can do that will make this race easy,” she wrote one e-mail to me, “I can train my butt off–as I have been–but it’s going to be rough. I’m going to be an emotional wreck.”
Assignment 2: 5k at the Skirt Chaser
I’m fortunate enough to be a part of an inaugural test program, started by Skirt Sports, called Kickstart, which focuses on 20 or so women who have barriers (lifestyle, financial, health) that would prohibit them from committing to running regularly. Kickstart provides them with a training plan, an entry into the Skirt Chaser 5k, a super cute skirt and top to race in and a mentor, which is where I come in.
I was paired with Pip, an Australian-native who has two young kids and is running her 5th or so 5k. (I’m not great with details if I don’t write them down: sorry, Pip, if you’re reading.) I spoke with her the other morning, and she was having a time: her daughter was up too many times in the night; swimming lessons times were switched to an earlier hour; she was trying to get back her rhythm after being on a family vacation; and her son, turning 5 that day, was a bit amped. I felt her pain on so many levels, but tried to play the mentor part: I encouraged her to drag herself out of bed, because, I said, you’re going tobe tired no matter what. Taking 30 minutes for yourself, to realign your body, feel your sweat, clear your head, might just give you the boost you need to get through the day. Kinda preachy, but it was the best I could do.
Pip as equally as inspiring to me as Katie is. Despite feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, she’s getting it done. I got a facebook message on Saturday morning that said she nailed two miles (and two loads of laundry) and it wasn’t even 10 a.m. yet. It made me smile.
5k, marathon, 100 miles. Pip’s 5k is my NYC marathon is Katie’s Leadville. In the end, it’s not the distance; it’s the discipline of getting up morning after morning (or shoving out, evening after evening), of valuing and scheduling me time despite all the other forces in your life conspiring against you. It’s pushing just a few steps beyond what you–and your quads, and brain, and spirit–think is possible. It’s being bold enough to set a goal–and brave enough to ask for help.
Pip might regret asking for help. I’ve mentioned a (doable, but slightly ambitious) time goal for her that she’s balking at, but I know her legs are capable. Her mind doesn’t believe it, but dang it if I’m not going to do my best to get her across that line a few minutes faster than she thinks she can.
Sorry Pip. We’re going for your PR. It’s an assignment I simply can’t refuse.
What homework do you have in August?
Training for my first 10km, that I committed to in Sept. (…..to prove to myself that a 1/2 Mar. for 2011 is not out of the question!!) :)
Lori: nice job on committing. You’ve got a half in you for sure, but you’ve got the right idea: go for a 10k, and give yourself some time so you can train safely and injury-free. Let us know how 10k goes!
there is a route I want to run (not sure on the distance but it’s over 5k) non-stop. That and encouraging another woman to take up running (she showed a glimmer of interest so I am watering that seed). Oh, and to find info I need to approach our school and see what the likelihood is of having a teenage team in a 48km trek next year.
water that seed, Judith, water that seed! love that you’re getting so many people moving. keep it up!
“In the end, it’s not the distance; it’s the discipline…” This really hit a chord with me. My goal is to go beyond the weekend runs – for the month of August, I want to sneak in miles everyday…running, walking, biking, elliptical…Whatever the mood, weather or schedule. I need this for me, mentally and physically. Running on the weekends has never been a problem, but I too often let life interfere during the week. Enough! If I can make it through the month, maybe daily exercise will become the rule rather than the exception.
Hey Ann: “They” (being experts, media, whatever) says it takes 21 days to make a habit, so you’ve got the right idea by committing for a month. Unsolicited advice: don’t try to make it every weekday. If you’ve got 2 days on the weekend, start with 2-3 days during the week. And not sure what kind of runner you are, but 30 minutes is a good place to start for most people during the weekday. It doesn’t feel like it’ll take forever to get it done and plan for it, but it’s still a nice chunk of time as far as your body and mind are concerned. Good luck!
I am in the midst of training for my first 10K and am more committed than ever. And am running more miles at a faster pace than ever. But, I have never been able to hold it together once school starts (I am a teacher). So, my homework in August is to make it work. I won’t be able to do morning runs anymore, since I have to get up at 5AM just to get myself, my 17 month old, and my 3.5 year old to our morning destinations on time, so fitting in my coveted runs will be a bit more challenging. But, I am determined to stick with it for my 10K at the end of September, even though I will be back at work mid-August.
Wow: Joyce. 5 a.m. just to get launched out of the house. Suddenly, my 5:30 alarm doesn’t feel so obnoxious. :) My advice, for what it’s worth, is to see if you could run after school before you get your kids: you’ve still got momentum. Not sure if that’s possible, but I know how hard it can be to motivate after you’re home, with your kids, after a long day that starts @ 5 a.m. Definitely run both weekend days, and maybe just try to fit in 30-45 minute runs on 2 days during the week until the race? However you make it work, you’ve done too much work to let it slide. Good luck–and way to go.
Thanks for the encouragement! I hadn’t thought about running before getting the kids – may have to give that one a shot! I had been an evening runner prior to reading your book – and now I am addicted to the morning run! I am surely going to miss it…but there is always Saturday and Sunday! :)
I’m going to run a half marathon this weekend, my longest race ever by far. I’m going to faithfully meet with my trainer twice a week after that and get that strength training in the bag so I can be a stronger runner!
Nice, Minda: what race are you doing? And getting strength training in the bag? Great strategy. Be sure not to schedule a long, hard run after a day when you’ve worked your legs hard in the gym. A short, easy run is fine, but no speedwork or tempo runs. :) Let us know how your race goes!
I’m training for my first half marathon in October, but my intermediate goal is to be able to run 10 miles by my 30th birthday on the 26th of this month. Yesterday I hit 6 and it felt great! Currently reading your book also, which is inspiring me.
Go Tammy! Intermediate goals on the way to a big goal is a great strategy: makes the bigger goal seem more doable, as well as gives you something to shoot for. Thanks for buying the book–and congrats on hitting 6. You’ve got 10 by 30: I can feel it.
Go Pip!!! :)
My homework for this month is to let my body rest on recovery days. I get antsy, but I know I need yoga and XT and all that good stuff too. :) Btw, I ran 7 miles yesterday!!!…never ran that far in my life. You and Sarah totally changed how I look at running. Thank you!
I agree, Cathy: Go Pip! We’re informally known as team Pipdim (at least in my head). Yes, rest, recover, switch it up. Running can be addictive for sure, but if you don’t give your body a rest–and keep upping the mileage–you’re setting yourself for an injury. Hate to be the bad cop, but stretch, strength train, do some non-impact in between all those record-setting miles.
I loved “it’s not the distance, it’s the discipline”. My homework is the discipline! Also, SOMEHOW making myself believe that I can do it.I have done harder things,why is running so daunting???
Katy: build your confidence by getting through runs you didn’t think you could. That may mean just 1 more minute or one more mile added to your regular runs. Why is running so daunting? That’s a $1 million question…let me get back to you on that. :) Anybody else have an answer?
I’m working on increasing my base mileage back up to a 6 mile “long” run so I can start a 14 week marathon training plan next month. I’ve set a completely unambitious goal to FINISH Rocket City on 12/11/10. Anything above and beyond NOT getting injured while training and being able to finish before the time limit (6 hours) will be “gravy”. I think it will take discipline for me to focus on training in a way that will allow me to enjoy the process without holding on too tightly to an end result (and winding up hurt). I’m also (re) learning to swim!! :D
Dana: are you my twin in another city? (Rocket City: where is that?) Love your perspective on thinking that a healthy, happy marathon is a victory. Let’s hope we both win!
Just found your blog, my assignment for August, is to truely believe in my abilities, I know my legs can go faster but I have to make my mind believe it too. My brain right now seem to be the limiting factor, so got to work on it.
Hi Elizabeth: Welcome. The way I believed it is by doing it. Sounds simple, but when you start to see that you ran that mile in X:xx, suddenly running 2 miles at that pace seems easier than it used to. Speedwork is the easiest way to get there, with faster intervals appropriate for your level (anything from 30 seconds to 1 miles, depending on your experience). You run faster and then–the best part–you get a rest break. As weeks progress, you’re slowly able to “add up” the interval time, making you a faster running than your brain thought you could be. Good luck!
Of to run a 10K with my sister on Saturday and then plug away training for the Twin Cities 10 mile.
100 miles is so impressive. Wow.
Love running in the Twin Cities. With a sister is even more special. Enjoy it, Sarah Jane!
Homework for August, to complete all my scheduled workouts. I’m working out 5 days a week, 3 runs and 2 cross training days. I’m committed to completing each and every workout, since I know the consistency will get my body ready for the marathon. Thanks, I did get my run done early today, and am enjoying the delicious feeling of being done for the day.
Hey Tyrna: sounds like you’ve got a great schedule going and the right training approach: starting with a strong, healthy body before you head into a marathon. Congrats on getting it done this a.m.!
Staying on-plan for the Boston Half (10/10) and not letting my brain get in the way. (Did 8 wonderful miles Sunday, brain was in a good place. Last Sunday did 7, brain ‘stopped’ me at 5. WORST 2 miles EVER after that!)
hey lisa: any race on 10/10 is gonna be great. I think I need to find one to do that day (SBS is running Portland). glad your brain has found its happy place/pace.
Now you have me smiling Dimity! I’ve never been someones homework before :) I have convinced DH to take the kids to 2 swim lessons this week so I can do longer runs. I did a 6 mile loop this morning ( running half of it) and have come home to an empty house. Brilliant start to the week!
BRILLIANT start is right! 6-miles? Dude, we’re gunning for your PR, no excuses. Keep it up, my friend–and great problem solving with the DH taking the kids.
My homework for August is to work on my staying power. There is a community 5k walk/run on the 28th that I signed up for. I want to run at least half of it. Last year I walked it. Working on getting my brain in the right place to stop thinking about the limitations I have (asthma, weight, schedules, etc) and be excited about what I can do.
Lori: ah, switching from glass half empty to half full: not my forte either. But you’ve set out a very doable goal, and take it one step at a time. I bet you’ll surprise yourself!
Dimity, I’m planning to incorporate a bit more smart rest days. I feel like I have been a bit too gung ho since I really got this running bug, and I’m just trying to be a bit smarter and not freak out that I don’t run my 4 days every week. This week will be three, with biking and swimming on cross train days. I’m hoping my little heel issues I’m having resolve, and I’m looking forward to running a 10K in October for the Twin Cities Marathon weekend events. (And I’m going to officially join that running group this weekend!)
I’m currently training for my 10th marathon on 10/10/10 but last week encountered a setback with an agonizingly sore back. My homework for this month is to work on stretching and do a yoga dvd a few times per week. I’m not getting any younger (47) and my body is telling me that regularly. I’m hoping the yoga and back stretches will get me to the start line injury free.
Wow: Jenny. 10th on 10/10/10: how can the stars *not* be aligned for you? But yes, stretch and yoga for sure. I always like a warm bath and/or heating pad on my back, but I know that’s not always what the docs recommend. Congrats on being such a steady, strong runner.
Dimity I have to tell you that I was absolutely certain you were running a 5K in Arkansas on Saturday night. I had been passing people for a while and I got up next to this woman that I swear could have been your twin. Height and all! I ran next to her for a minute, trying to study as best I could while holding my pace. In the end I concluded that there was no absolute way it could be you because silly! it was a 5K in ARKANSAS!
Anyways, thought I would relay my heat induced apparition to you. It was 100 degrees so I totally believe I saw a mirage.
Ashley–Hilarious! Love that, for you, Dimity is like an oasis you spy in the “desert” of a race!!
I *wish* I could’ve been running a 5k in Arkansas on Saturday night, but I was in an over A/C’d theater watching the Kids Are All Right (which, considering how cute Mark Ruffalo is, wasn’t a bad second option). Thanks for keeping an eye out for my doppelganger!
Dimity didn’t mention that the 10 miles she’s pacing at the 100 is the toughest of the race. Well over 3000 feet of climbing. Dimity has discipline — way more than she gives herself credit for.
Oh, Katie: don’t spill the secrets. What will I write about after I pace you? :)
This post really hit me. I’ve been struggling with the discipline of running. Every excuse that comes to mind overpowers my will to run. Thanks for helping me rethink my time.
Hey Gina: Glad to be of help. Honestly, I think the hardest part of running is just saying no to excuses and getting it done. If you can just put your brain and body on autopilot and get out the door, the rest takes care of itself.
My August assignment is learning to swim and using it on my XTing days. My 10 year old daughter is my teacher and she is so pumped about it. Seeing her confidence soar is truely an amazing feeling….
That is *so* cool, J. I can’t wait until Amelia can teach me something meaningful. I bet you’re faster just because you want to do her proud…very cool indeed.
My assignment in August is to find and follow a training schedule. I can run a grand total of 1 1/4 miles without walking (PR for my last 5 k was 38:38-goal was to be under 40 minutes) but have, in an insane moment, signed up for the Disney Princess Half in February. I must say, I do believe that “It is not the distance, it is the discipline.” Shall be my new mantra as I push myself to each new mile stone.
Als, LOVED the book. I loaned it to a friend and wish that I hadn’t. Should have just bought her one and kept mine. Thanks for all the inspiration!
Hey Laurie: First assignment: getting RLAM back when she’s done. :) This looks like a pretty doable plan, in my opinion, to run/walk a half-marathon. Keep us posted on your progress!
http://running.about.com/od/halfmarathonracetraining/a/runwalkhalfmarathon.htm
My homework: to get all my training runs in before September’s 10k, do a core workout twice a week and cross-train at least once a week, all while dealing with everyday life, of course. The real challenge will be fitting in the core workouts since I tend to do them after my oldest is in bed and the baby is sleeping (temporarily), ’cause that’s my time for doing class prep and grading, and also for relaxing if any time is left.
Totally hear how the “extra” stuff like core gets pushed aside, especially if work or relaxing calls. I try to package them with a run or XT session–even if I only do it for 3 minutes–because 3 is better than nothing, which is what usually happens if I leave it ’til later.
My August (and September) homework is to stick to my training plan with the goal of qualifying for Boston in October in the Victoria Marathon. In addition to my 2 x weekly gym visits, and 3 training runs (tempo, intervals and long run) I am doing lots of positive talk and visualization tricks to get my head into the game. I found a great quote on another running blog, and I read it daily as part of my homework:
“If I could give you one secret about qualifying for Boston I would say that it is to have faith in yourself as a runner. When I made the decision to run Boston, I didn’t let the fact that I was nowhere near fast enough dissuade me from trying. I made the commitment in my training to improve step by step and reach the goal. You can too. Boston is out there just waiting for you and I promise the experience will be worth the effort.”
I think this can apply to all of us working towards our running goals.
Hey Jen–love that quote, and love how part of your home work is visualization. That’s super important when you’re aiming for a tough goal. Excited for you! Let us know how Victoria goes…we’ll have our fingers crossed (not that you’ll need it).
Thank you for the great quote Jen! I’m totally using that one!
Lynn
My August Assignment = I started training for my second-try at a sprint tri in October. It wasn’t a very pleasant experience the first time, but I want to push myself into something that is challenging. I got back on my bike last night, a little hesitant but was successful in riding around the block a few times without falling off :). I will continue with my half-marathon training schedule (Dallas White Rock in December), throwing in bike rides and pool time. Thanks for the encouragement and inspiration – definitely what I was looking for!
Hey Joanna: always good to put a little challenge/fear factor into the equation sometimes. Stay on the bike and get in the pool, and hopefully round 2 won’t be as hellish as the first one was. Good luck with your ambitious second half of 2010!
Just prined out the “pep talk paragraph” (the second one to the right of the picture), made the font huge, and hung it front and center on my work bulletin board and there’s another copy in my work bag for home. Thanks, I needed that on a tough Monday :)
Ellen – I love that idea and am printing out the same paragraph now!
Wow: that’s the ultimate compliment for me, ladies. Thank you. Our fridge @ home was reserved for Calvin + Hobbes cartoons and Ask Abby columns my mom wanted us to read and take a subconscious lesson from…glad I’ve joined those hallowed ranks!
A bunch of the ladies who I run (4-5 miles) with 3 times a week have signed up for the Skirt Chaser in Denver. I have been training for the IronGirl Triathlon in Columbia, MD, so my homework for August is to get in a bunch of open water long swims, so that I am ready for the Tri!
Rachel: will you be @ skirtchaser? If so, please introduce yourself! If not, good luck at IronGirl…sounds like a fun race (and at sea level, if you’re in Denver, which is always a huge bonus!).
My homework is to find and stick with a half marathon plan for the Monster Dash half (on 10/30) that I signed up for over the weekend! This will be my first and I am hoping that a race and a training plan won’t take away from the pure joy of running. My husband has assured me that it won’t, but will make actually make it MORE fun and help me feel better about a marathon in my future. We’ll see….
Jo: forget a training plan. More importantly, what’s your costume going to be? :) Conquering a half will definitely make a whole feel more doable. Good luck!
Like Lori B. I’ve signed up for my first 10k in the fall (Tufts 10k in October) – I want to prove to myself that running a half in early 2011 is doable. My homework this month is to stick with the plan and not become intimidated by the increasingly longer runs every Sunday and to believe that my legs can carry me faster than I currently allow myself to go!
no intimidation, Michelle, no intimidation. get the distance, then think about speed. stick with the plan, and we’ll see you at the finish line!
I ran my first marathon (3:48) in June and now I’m training for the Portland Marathon in October. Ahhh it is quickly approaching. My goal is to qualify for Boston, which for my age group means I have to run 3:40. That 8 min is going to be really hard to shave off. But my real goal is to not get burned out with all the training. I’m trying to get back into loving running and not look at is as work. With a job, 2 small daughters and husband, I have enough work I need running to be FUN. So my goal – make running fun.
like the dual goal, Lynn: keep it fun and work hard. when you find that balance, let me know, ok? :) kidding. all possible. look at the quote above from Jen when you need a little inspiration, and look for SBS in Portland. she’s got the same goals you do. get at ’em!
Thanks Dimity! I’ll keep my eyes open for SBS in Portland!
Time to fix the calf muscle that I tore April 2009 (two weeks pregnant) By the time I felt like I could run again, I was struggling with MS and a pretty rough pregnancy…never bothered me much compared to the rest of things, so I didn’t pay it much mind…until I started my half-marathon prep work 3 weeks ago and it got tighter, and tighter…until “pop” last Tuesday.
After a week of lessening pain, but not improvement, called PT today, apmt tomorrow, and committing myself to everything they ask…may even ask for more to try and take care of the loose ligaments while BF…this one is truely a booby baby and I’m pretty sure I’ll be feeding for another year at least.
No half in Oct…but maybe I’ll be repaired enough for one in Nov…nah, how about repaired enough to tele and nordic ski…and to teach our soon to be 3 yr old to get down the mountain herself.
wow, Kerry: you’ve had quite a journey. sorry to hear about the pop. ugh. commit to all those frustrating, seemingly useless PT exercises (useless because they’re usually small motions and don’t make me sweat) and you’ll be on the snow in no time. :)
yup -definitely small steps, but I did get permission to do everything but run to keep in shape (I’m looking at you erg….)
you are actually the inspiration Dimity….you’re doing all of the small stuff to make sure you can keep running, so I can too!
Just want to say that I’m loving the positive energy here. My homework for August is to just make it happen. I love to run with friends, but I’m going to work on running on my own sometimes. I’m going to look forward to that time instead of thinking that I don’t need to run because I’m on my own. I do need it.
Stephanie: I’m with you. Love the good vibes everybody gives off here. I like a balance of friends and no friends…my best thinking is on runs when I am solo, with or without music. Here’s to going it alone sometimes…
Hi Dimity! I’m one of Pip’s little sisters back in Australia and I am VERY proud of her. I’m so excited to be following her progress at the moment and cheering her on from down under. Keep at her, won’t you? She is such a capable runner and I know that she’ll be knocking the minutes off her time if she keeps at it. I got back into running over a year ago, lost 16kg, ran a 12k in under an hour and felt so energetic, fit and mentally healthier too. I’m about 7 weeks away from giving birth to my third child and can’t wait to get back running. (I had to stop at about 26 weeks.) I can’t wait to see Pip again and go running with her. She is definately an inspiration to me! My homework – go to the Physio today, try to sort out this sharp pain in my left backside which is preventing me from even walking much, and then go for a brisk walk every day until I give birth. Thanks!
Hey Penny: one of the “p” sisters! Love it. Thanks for commenting. I’m gunning for sub-35 with Pip, and know she can do it! Good luck with #3 and the birth!
Home work for August…cross training, cross training, cross training! 10 weeks until my first marathon (ran 14 miles this past Saturday) but can’t seem to commit to the cross training. Does back to school shopping with my daughter tomorrow count? There will be lots of walking from store to store and lifting of clothes hangers? Oh and my pocketbook is pretty heavy too.
Erica: last I checked, browsing wasn’t a XT activity, but we’ll give you that one . Seems like marathon training is going well, so don’t mess with it too much, but a bike ride now and then won’t kill ya. :)
Oh no, not browsing. Power shopping! haha…seriously, I am such a task oriented person that I feel guilty crossing off the weeks for my training when I’ve skipped the xt. So, back to school and homework! Thanks for the motivation!!
My homework for july and august has been to heal my achilles injury. it has been painful emotionally and physically but i’m getting there. i have started a little biking in the past week without pain- hopefully will be able to start going for walks soon! Then running without pain- can’t wait!
Just want to say thanks for this post…I’m having a rough week with my poor kids–lots of night coughing keeping all of us awake, and my husband is at a conference all week–and so I failed to get up two days in row for my run. But I read this post yesterday, and kept what you told Pip about how you’ll be tired anyway, might as well be tired but happy due to your run–and this morning I got it done: six miles w/ four at tempo pace. So I’m still on track with my Boulder Half training. Thanks so much for this inspiring blog!
I am on week 7 of the C25k program and am not really getting the distance that I need yet as I am a slow poke. My homework is to think positively about being able to run an entire 5k on 9/25. It will be my first one and am hoping that I can finish!
Paula, I am a recent graduate of that program and one thing I realised was that it doesn’t matter how slow you are (I am a slow poke/penguin) but that you keep going. You will be able to do that 5k by then.
Just keep telling yourself that you can do it, have some good music that will get you singing, and maybe change the scenery a little. (That worked for me, plus having a chatty friend running beside me)
Great work and keep going.
The problem is…. “me” time feels oh so good in my comfy, warm bed while the birds are squawking the world awake. :P
GO Pip GO!! I enjoyed reading about Pip… probably because it relates to me so much. I’ve got two little toddlers under the age of 4. I’m a work-from-home mom and stressed out many days on “how to get it all done” within the 24 hours of a day. I’m training for my 2nd half-marathon on 9.19 – and the running actually helps me to relieve the stress. I’m almost halfway thru my training schedule, so my August assignment is just to stay on the schedule since this is where the real work begins!!
I’m running my first 5k TODAY and I don’t know if I’ll be able to run the whole thing! I’ve been running for a couple months now, but 2.5 miles has been my max (only because I go in the morning and haven’t gotten myself out the door early enough to have time for 3!). I checked out the race course yesterday and found that is is VERY hilly! I’ve done some hills but nothing like this. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself if I have to walk or take forever to finish, but I really didn’t expect to have so many doubts at this point. I need some inspiration!