An oldie but a goodie from June 2011. And a lesson, btw, I’m still working on.
I have a gift for wishing my life away. When I was in middle school, I couldn’t wait for high school. High school sucked, but college would be much better. College was far from what I expected, but real life? That was going to be awesome. My single life in NYC was not exactly “Sex and the City,” but once I met the guy who would be my husband, my life would be complete. The wedding was sublime, but I’ve always wanted kids…and so on and so on.
Same strategy applies to my daily life. I’m at the pool throwing this plastic diving toy for Ben for the 78th time (“No, mom, not that far, but farther than you threw it last time!”), but what am I going to write about on the blog tonight? I’m finishing a story about summer training right now, but my mind is fast forwarding to the invoices I have to send. I’m sweeping–believe it or not–and as I fill the dustpan, I am reminding myself not to forget to switch the wet clothes to the dryer.
At the risk of sounding mortal, my life could be more than halfway over right now. I’ve cleared the hurdles I’ve always wanted to—marriage, kids, writing career, home owner—and there aren’t many more major ones I can see in the next decade, which I’m guessing is going to look a lot like life does for me today. (I realize by typing that sentence, I’m setting myself up for some kind of upheaval.) The years ahead will be filled with doing my best to balance mothering with work; to balance being a wife with being a daughter; to balance my self-interests with those of my family; to balance a sense of purpose with a sense of humor.
Which is to say, I know this drill. What I don’t know is how to change my perspective. To be one of those women who can enjoy an afternoon picnic and not worry about the beds that need to be made, the proposal that needs to be done, the lawn that desperately needs mowing, the e-mails that haven’t been sent. To be able to engage in a conversation with my husband for a full 10 minutes, and not think about unloading the dishwasher or squeezing in a couple hours of work before bed. To color with my kids instead of making a grocery or to-do list as they Crayola away.
I gotta start somewhere though, and running seems like a natural fit. When we ran the Ogden half-marathon, I reminded myself a couple times, “I am here now.” By saying that, I was telling myself that I am not worrying about the next 8 or 5 or 3 miles. I am living in every step I am taking. Right now.
That attitude worked really well for me when I was feeling good and the course was downhill. But when the going got tough, I reverted to old habits and started wishing the race away. As any yogi can tell you, it’s really freakin’ hard to stay present when every fiber of my being wants to quit. But that staying present provides an opportunity to dig in and go deeper, to feel sensations and gratitude that don’t happen when I’m only skimming the surface, always casting forward.
Fortunately, I grabbed enough joy from the good, present miles to realize I want–and need–more of being here now.
So I’m practicing. Like anything new, it feels awkward and uncomfortable and doesn’t work as efficiently as I’d like. I mentally tell myself to stay in the moment when I try to pick up the pace or when my back starts to ache. (And it’s amazing how, when I do notice an ache, my present, attentive self tries to figure out how to soothe it, instead of just grinning and bearing it.) When I start calculating how many more miles I have left, I mentally check myself. When I doesn’t work, I say out loud, “I am here now. Stay here.”
Same with life: Tonight, I was at my dad’s birthday celebration, and I had a post, with a still TBD topic, breathing hard on my neck. “I am here now,” I told myself quietly at the table, and celebrated the moment with as much presence as I could muster.
And I came home, still didn’t freak. I read a reptile book to Ben, and then talked at length with him about how a reticulated python can be 33 feet long. I tucked Amelia’s hair behind her ear repeatedly as I said goodnight and we downloaded her day.
And here I am, happily, now.
This a great post!
I think it is so hard for moms to be present all the time because there are SO many things to do. I am up posting at this 5 AM hour because I was just chasing the heaving, vomiting dog around the house since I am the only one who hears the retching; I am so thankful for the silence right now though. I have my MOM calendar hanging in the house with large X’s all over it…as we waited for summer vacation (totally wished my way past 187 days) ; it has finally come. Now, as each summer, I get the chance to be present. We go with the flow…if the laundry doesn’t make it to the dryer on time-oh well (I did have to change my kid in the middle of the night a few nights ago because she had on a nightgown reeking of mold that must have been in one of those loads).
In our house, we try to talk about things at dinner that we are thankful for. The answer, “Mommy crossed everything off her TO DO List” doesn’t go over very well. This little exercise in gratitude has helped me to try to enjoy the small parts of my day much more. I think I read about this in The Happiness Project…
You are right…it takes practice to be present. I am hoping my being present during the summer helps me to be present during the rest of the year.
First, Kelly N., my friend – I love that you and I are the among the first to comment. Great response to a great post.
I have really struggled with this same issue. And once I realized I got to that point where there was no natural “next step” (after college, marriage, career, house, kids…) I found myself really focusing on trying to be present and appreciate the moments instead of looking to the next one. That is actually largely what got me started with my blog. I still struggle A LOT (being able to mentally multitask is a blessing and a curse), but definitely have found myself being present much more often. I am with Kelly, though – it is definitely easier in the summer, and I plan to get a lot of practice beginning today!! :)
Newish reader here, piping in to say great post. Just the other morning I “tweeted” something I read in my Yoga Bible book… “If only for an instant, there is only the reality of the present moment, the worries drop away, there are no more shoulds or musts.” I really need to practice staying “in the moment” more myself, thanks for the nice reminder. However now I MUST go feed my 3 boys who popped out of bed at 6 AM on this first official day of summer vacation. Gah! Good thing I’ve got my running done for the day…
THANK YOU for this post! This is something I struggle with as a stay at home mom with two very busy and inquisitive boys on summer vacation. Thank you for reminding me that I am here now!!!!!!
I struggle to remain in the moment but practice does make it easier. I have to slow down and remind myself that all that other stuff will wait…it will still be there….my kids, parents, friends might not. This was brought home this year when I lost a dear friend suddenly. I recalled our last conversation. I stopped what i was doing to just laugh with her. I will forever have the memory of the sound of her laugh and the light of her smile. What if I had not been present in that moment? I think of that moment often and her. Time and attention are irreplaceable. Things can wait. People cant.
Great post.
I can relate, as many moms can, but more than anything I really love your ‘voice.’ I’ll read anything you write.
Great post! I am about your age and have been struggling with that “half-way point” and how am I going to make the 2nd half a richer one. This is one great way to do – be present and enjoy. I tried it at the park the other day while watching my kids play. I decided to let them dictate when to leave and not let it be up to me and my task list. In the end, I really enjoyed the time and just relaxing outside.
A great post and a great reminder. For me, not staying in the moment usually has something to do with not feeling good enough about myself and what I am doing at that moment. Cleaning the guinea pig cage? It’s not enough, I’m not enough. I need to hurry onto the next thing so I can feel productive, accomplished enough. Sometimes it’s good to sit in our own insecurities and be uncomfortable with every ache, pain, emotion.
This post really spoke to where I am today as well. I did a trail half marathon this weekend (only my second trail run ever) and on part of it I got to the top of a dam, looked around, and realized that I rarely enjoy my run while I’m running. I’m always glad I did it, I feel great afterward, but DURING a run, I’m usually mentally calculating how far until I’m done and otherwise distracting myself from the run. This weekend I enjoyed and took in the run much more than usual, and I loved it!
I also saw a quote the other day that is a perfect fit for applying this mantra to my life. “Look closely at the present you are constructing. It should look like the future you are dreaming.” – Alice Walker
Fantastic post. You nailed my thoughts on the head….even when I wasn’t sure what those thoughts were. I graduated university (twice), travelled where I wanted to, started a career that I still love, bought my first house, renovated that house… Then I met the man with whom I started the next phase of my life, sold my house and moved in to his, had kids. Love the kids and the life but it often feels like…now what. Kids are great but it can feel a little like groundhog day around here with the same thing over and over again.
That’s the great thing about running. It give me goals of my own. And it gives me the much needed strength and focus to be present for is life.
Thanks for a nice start to my day (despite a few tears).
Exactly what I need to read this morning! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!
Dimity thank you so much for this great post and important reminder.
Like the others have said, this is something I’m constantly struggling with – to be ok with whatever is taking place at the moment and not to wish it away for the promise of something better in the future; to not let my day be hijacked by my to do list just for the sake of checking things off.
And one again, you have moved and inspired me. I am right there with you, forgetting to enjoy the now, too busy with everything else (even if only mentally) to just BE and take it all in. I will start today (for probably the 10th time) to be more present. Thanks for the reminder!
GREAT points! I was considering the same this weekend.
Great post! thank you for articulating what so many of us feel!
You are so right Dimity!! Staying in the present and being present can be so hard…we need to constantly practice in our lives and in our running. I’ve been working on this too and trying to avoid the constant “What next?”.
How did you know exactly what I was thinking / feeling today? Thanks for understanding and making me feel like there’s still some hope for me.
I have struggled with staying present for years. And continue to be bad at it because you know what? It’s hard, if your mind’s habit is to be elsewhen. But again and again, when I succeed in being present, I am reminded of the positive power of being in the now.
I love this, mostly because it sounds like it’s coming from my own brain.
I dropped my son off at his new school today, the after-care program that’s on the elementary school campus. True, he doesn’t actually start kindergarten until August, but oh my god, he’s starting kindergarten. Where did the time go? Why do the days pass so slowly while the months whiz by? And why can’t I appreciate those moments more when I’m living them?
Living in the present may very well be my greatest challenge, and the thing that should live at the top of every to-do list. Yes, I have 37 other things to do today, but I should be here now.
So awesome.
Thank you for the awesome, timely post and that sneaky way you have of being inside my mind (and apparently last week in my kitchen!)
My husband and I are both on the same (more or less) marathon training plan, but we don’t run together. I ran my 9 miles on Saturday without any friends (for the first time in a long time). The run was good, but I realized how much I missed having company. I came home and checked my run off the plan and quickly synced up the garmin and uploaded my run to check my time. Faster than I thought. Sweet! Then off goes my husband on his run. That evening we were out and driving over a bridge that goes over the Mississippi River — crossing that bridge is part of our runs. I pointed out the spot I looped the sign post and turned back for home. He pointed out where he stopped over the bridge for about 5 minutes and watched some canoers work their way down stream. In my head I thought, what???? you stopped??? for 5 minutes???
Deep down I was envious that he viewed his break as just part of enjoying his run and what he saw at the moment. Man, I need to get back to that — I used to do that sort of thing and was never concerned about timing, but rather the time spent running.
Thanks for the reminder….
Crazy! I was just trying to describe these feelings to my husband over a rare lunch date. And it’s what I ruminated about as I ran this morning…about not feeling guilty for the things I don’t do, or not feeling jealous over the things I don’t have…about being happy in my skin at this moment with my kids, however they may be acting at that moment. I always have all these grand plans for summer since I’m a teacher, and here we are, two weeks in, and we haven’t done a thing on those lists. And that’s ok! It’s taking a while, but I’m learning that lesson. So this post is just perfect for me…I am here now.
Thanks for the post. I wish all mom’s could read this.
My favorite part was the bit about how it’s hard to have a conversation, even with someone you love, without thinking about what else you should be doing. I feel like I talk to my husband the bare minimum. But old friends who live far away? I rarely talk to them at all, outside of Facebook that is, and when I am on the phone with them it’s so hard to be present, as you describe (especially when there are kids tugging on you the whole time!).
Wonderful post – thank you for reminding me I’m not alone is the quest for balance and peace about my daily activities. I am so grateful for Another Mother Runner!
Once again I’m sitting here near tears (you do that to me so often!), and it’s because you feel the same way I do. I am not alone. As a goal oriented gal it has been so hard to not have major goals to work towards. I love being able to nudge my kids along with theirs, but it’s just not the same. I often remind myself that as the kids get older I need to let them know that this will occur, this transfer of goal setting, that it’s normal. Thanks for your honesty.
Thank you for writing this – it resonated deeply with me. Like so many moms this is something I struggle with. I don’t like how often I come to the end of my days and realize how much time I spent doing things FOR my kids and not being WITH them. And how much I miss out on in the process because of that. A timely reminder for my inner voice – and very well written.
As a military spouse we are always thinking and worrying about what’s next because we never know what to expect. Where will we be living? Will I be able to find a job? Will be husband get deployed…again? Will I make any friends? It makes it very hard to just live and enjoy the present. My favorite time of the day is after bath time when my son gives me the biggest hugs and kisses. I try to take that time to be grateful and enjoy him no matter how much of a ‘terrible two’ day we’ve had. It is a good way for me to ‘reset’ before the next day.
Thank you for this post,Dmity! I read it first thing this morning and it was like you were inside of my own head, though much more eloquent!
One of my fav posts done by you girls! I need to stay more in the moment. Please keep passing tips along :). Thanks for sharing.
This resonates with me as well…thank you. We do spend too much of our precious time wishing our lives away, and before we know it, another school year is over, we’re another year older, and I know I wonder “did I actually do anything?” I make myself crazy to get all my “chores” done on my only true day off each week (I work 4 day weeks, everyone else in the family is on 5 day schedule) and beat myself up when all of the laundry isn’t done or I didn’t get the floors clean. Mostly, I need to remember to stop and listen and enjoy my kids right now because they’ll be grown and gone before I know it.
Are you reading my mind?! Thanks for posting.
I love this. I love this so much I am going to steal your phrase and say it throughout the summer and on my training runs. This is something I am constantly wrestling with, to stay present, and now you gave me a key phrase to use in the every day. And I love it. THANK you for sharing your heart :) Happy trails girl.
Great post – I read it and promptly went over and sat down with my little boy and read with him! So hard to remember, but important! It makes everything much sweeter when you can enjoy it as it’s happening! Thanks for the reminder that I think most of us need from time to time!
LOVE this post. LOVE it. About a month ago, I downloaded your book “run like a mother” for my kindle. I am at the same point in life – I’m 28, finished college, married, have 3 beautiful kids and now my tubes are tied. I’ve accomplished all the MAJOR goals – I dream of having my own boutique clothing store to sell the stuff I sew, but that can’t take off until the kids go to school…so what now? THat’s when I decided to start running. I need something for me to do by myself that doesn’t involve (much) planning ahead, preparing the kids, cleaning the house etc…something that will help me get/stay fit and spend a few minutes when I AM NOT THE BOSS :).
Thank you for this! It’s hard to be present in the moment when you are a mom…there is ALWAYS something else you feel like you need to be doing or should be doing.
On a similar wavelength, earlier this year I bought “i like” books for my family…one for each of my boys and one for my husband and myself. Each day we write down something we like about our kids and each other – sometimes it’s tough to find something, especially when the kids are particularly ornery late in the day! But for us it has been wonderful to process the day together and to write down the things we liked doing together or the things we liked seeing them do. It has strengthened all of our relationships!
I really love this! Think I need a sport bracelet with it!
Thank you. I needed this. Especially today.
obviously I’m not the only one who feels like you’ve written a chapter straight from our own books of life. You are such an inspiration! Thank you for your words of wisdom and influencing us to remember to be “present”.
Amen. Love the mantra. I, too, am so guilty of trying to multi-task and “efficiently” go about my days. When We stop to remember the “why” we can truly enjoy the moments.
Thanks!! Loved this post!!
so timely, just had the same thoughts as we just got back from vacation….ever notice this stuff is no big deal on vacation, there is no agenda, you just enjoy your day (or you try to). As soon as we got back home, the bitching and whining started again….I had to remind myself to stay out of yellers land and continue to be calm, laid back “vacation mom”…..SO HARD!!! but I so enjoyed my kids more on vacation than when we got back home! Will be a struggle to maintain nice relaxed state and not worry incensently about what I am not getting done…anyone with tips?? I am all ears! thanks for the reminder!
An excellent reminder – thank you.
Good, no great post. I struggle with this myself. My mom’s voice of “Don’t wish your life away.” always rings in my head when I am having a particularly hard day or I look around at the chaos of my messy house with kids screaming and dinner cooking and think “Seriously, don’t wish THIS away!” But her wisdom is sound and I am going to try to apply the “present” rule on my day as well. On top of that I will also try to remind myself that I need to be so thankful that my chaos is still so much easier than so many others out there in my own community and others near and far. Thanks Dimity, this was a great way to end this day and start the next.
I would say I kept this post in mind for my recovery run today, but no – I only let it ~inspire~ me and really kept myself in the moment. No watch, no music and full focus on not pushing too hard even when I got in the groove and wanted to think of future running goals. Thank you for your wise words and motivation!
Thanks for another wonderfully honest post. I too am going to use this as my mantra. Love it!
Wow! I can totally relate to this post. Thank you for sharing! I really like how you relate trying to stay in the moment to the awkwardness of doing something new. I remember consciously trying to stay in the moment at my wedding but feeling like it was futile. It just whizzed by me, like in a movie where the actress is standing still and everything else is going at warp speed. Childbirth was a little like that, too, but labor wasn’t a moment I was eager to stay in. ; )
Your post reminded me of two (well, a lot more than two, but I recalled two) Thich Nhat Hanh quotes. So in essence….you are a miracle worker.
“To live in the present moment is a miracle. The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the green Earth in the present moment, to appreciate the peace and beauty that are available now.”
— Thich Nhat Hanh
“If I am incapable of washing dishes joyfully, if I want to finish them quickly so I can go and have a cup of tea, I will be equally incapable of drinking the tea joyfully. With the cup in my hands I will be thinking about what to do next, and the fragrance and the flavor of the tea, together with the pleasure of drinking it, will be lost. I will always be dragged into the future, never able to live in the present moment.”
What a wonderful post! I think everyone struggles with staying in the moment. I love how you articulated it. I can feel your angst with having things that need to be done while wanting to enjoy the moments with your family. I struggle with this daily and I too am looking for ways to be more in the moment. My book club has chosen to read The Happiness Project. Haven’t yet started it, but I will soon. There is a great site to accompany the book and from what I can tell it deals with a lot of the same issues as your post…staying in the moment, enjoying the here and now, being fully present. Check it out… it’s definitely something I will take some time exploring this summer.
Absolutely beautiful. I’ll be thinking about this for a good long time. Not that I’m planning ahead or anything. . .
So glad you reposted this… as I was not a runner in 2011 so didn’t know about amr. So many of us struggle with this same issue, and running has really helped me enjoy every day for what it is and be more present. And particularly in the summer, with the kids home and less time to attend to your to-do list, things can get worse. I have to keep reminding myself to enjoy the summer with them and not worry about the chaos in the house…because soon it will be over anyway. Love this. Thanks.
I love the way your head work, Dimity! Just beautiful :)
This hit home for me. Thank you!
Thank you for a beautifully crafted and honest post. I’m glad it was a repost that is so worth a revisit.
According to a Wal-Mart executive, Wal-Mart “participated in an exercise to prepare for an earthquake on the New Madrid fault line” earlier this summer.