Henry and Juniper practice independence
As they prepare for the Wineglass Marathon on October 4 using the AMR #FindYourStrong Marathon Challenge, Heather and Marianne, two long-distance BRFs taking on their first marathon, are sharing their experiences–and miles–weekly. Find all their posts here.
People talk about being a slave to their GPS like it’s a bad thing. Generally, I am and I like it. (Maybe it goes back to that whole “not having to think” thing.) But a few weeks ago I decided to take the handcuffs off and run by feel, vowing to check my watch only once a mile. The training plan had prescribed an easy 4 miles for the morning, and after my customary warm-up walk, I started cruising.
When I heard my GPS bleep at the 1-mile mark, I stole a glance: MacMillan suggests that my easy runs should be between X and Z. Nailed it. But instead of feeling pleased, I was disappointed. [Not very] deep down, I had hoped to discover that I was surpassing the goal. Because god knows hitting it isn’t enough. I had to be better.
Enough. Such a tricky concept for us women. As a young woman: popular enough, pretty enough, smart enough? As a businesswoman: strong enough (but not too strong!), feminine enough (but not too feminine!), driven enough?
And dear lord, as a mom: is anything ever enough?
A while ago, I had a few sessions with a life coach. [People, I can’t tell you how much I wavered on whether or not to admit this. Because honestly – is there anything in the universe that sounds more self-indulgently first-world than a life coach? Though, when I sheepishly confessed the relationship to a friend, she was puzzled by my embarrassment, saying “dude, couldn’t we all use a life coach?”] This particular coach specializes in mommy guilt, and we set about tackling the – ahem – mother load that resides in my brain.
Let me just come right out and say it: motherhood did not meet my expectations. When you wrestle with infertility for 2 years, you have time to build up a pretty detailed fantasy of what it will be like. I imagined nourishing my gorgeously big belly with whole foods harvested during my afternoon working in the garden. (Reality check: Oreos after an afternoon spent napping.) Nighttime feedings spent blissfully watching my precious bundle nurse. (Reality check: “Are you f*cking kidding me? Didn’t he just nurse like 10 minutes ago?”) Days spent giggling together while watching bugs frolic in the grass. (Reality check: If I don’t interact with an adult today I’m going to lose my freaking mind; there is usually lots of swearing in my reality.) Due to some food allergies and general high-spiritedness, Henry spent a lot of his first six months crying. Consequently, so did I. On bad days, I reminisced about our DINK life in the city. On worse days, I downright pined for it and wondered what the hell we’d done. Motherhood was so. much. harder. than I ever thought it would be.
After a while, I more or less adjusted to being a mom. Friends and family tell me I’m a good one, but it’s never been a mantle I’m comfortable wearing, honestly. I love my kids. But I feel most like myself when I’m not actively parenting. It’s those stolen hours – a solo hike, a grinding run, a book in a coffeeshop – that fill me up and make me feel whole and human again. Unfortunately, when every diaper, Folgers, and cotton commercial conspires to tell you that it’s motherhood itself that should make you glow from within, that adds up to a metric shit-ton of guilt.
Jess, my coach, approached the issue by asking me to think about how I wanted Henry and Juniper to feel. I came up with a list – I want them to feel loved. I want them to feel independent and confident… She then asked me to determine a few specific things that they needed in order to feel each of those feelings. And – maybe you saw this coming – it turned out that I was already doing those things. It was there, in black and white. Despite all my floundering and self-flagellation, I was already giving them what they needed. Even if I’m not the kind of mother than I imagined myself being, it turns out that the mother I am is mother enough.
Despite my outward show of bravado surrounding this marathon, I’m nervous. Most of it centers around my time goal; when my 10:00 long run training pace feels challenging, it’s hard to imagine how I’m going to maintain a minute faster pace for twice as far a distance.
But consider this: just as I’m dutifully following Coach Christine’s plan for my marathon, Jess essentially helped me create a training plan for parenting. Whenever I backslide into negative thinking (“I’ve been gone three nights this week, I’m such a lousy mom”) I remind myself that I’m following my “plan.” I’m doing the things that I believe will result in the best possible upbringing for my children. Likewise, as I stick faithfully to this marathon plan, I will do my best to shut down those same sabotaging whispers.
As they say: plan the work, then work the plan.
It will be enough.
I love reading the stories for running inspiration but I enjoy the help with understand motherhood as well. It is a lot more challenging than I had expected yet so rewarding. With Social Media, people only post the happy times and funny things their kids say and rarely say how it really is. Thanks for the honesty and I really enjoyed your perspective.
This struck a chord with many on many levels! Thanks for sharing!
I love this post! I think you and I may be the same person. ;)
So good. So good Heather. So proud of you :)
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I feel like mommy guilt could eat me alive sometimes … So glad to hear I’m not alone!
Great post! Motherhood is definitely more complicated than some make it out to be and we all deserve to have that part of ourselves that’s unrelated to being a mother but makes us feel like “ourselves”
I loved this post, especially the part about felling most like yourself when you are not actively parenting. When I got back into running (seriously, not just once every few weeks) was the first time I felt like I was getting back to being myself. I’m also running Wineglass, so looking forward to seeing you there!
This post was so what I needed to read today. I am really struggling with combining training (and not even for a full marathon), working in a new job and motherhood to three (4,6,8). I’ve been out of work for 3 years while we had an adventure and I felt that the children needed a parent at home in a time of lots of change and a different environment. Now, finally, I have a job and I love it – I love being me and having responsibility and mattering in a company that is trying to make the world a better place. I love dressing up in my work “uniform” in the morning and feeling like the switched on businesswoman that I am. I love working hard and achieving stuff with clients, with colleagues and for patients. I love that my children (and especially my daughter) see a positive role model of a woman who works and a father who helps at home.
But I don’t love the fact that the children don’t get picked up by a parent from school everyday and don’t get to tell one of us their stories straight out of school. I don’t love that our nanny doesn’t do every exact little thing in the way I would. Basically, I don’t love not also having total control at home.
Thank you Heather for sharing – I needed to hear I’m not the only one.
yes, yes, yes. Thank you, Heather, for this honest and wholly relatable post. I can’t tell you the number of times (especially when my boys were younger — things are very different now that they are 11 and 14) I heard myself saying “I love my kids, but..” The “but” was usually followed by a desire to nourish my non-mama self. Now I find I have redefined the expectations for myself, helping me feel ok that the huge amount I give and do is “enough.” So grateful to share this dialogue in our AMR community!
Love this post! I can relate to “this is not what I thought motherhood would be” and “will I ever be enough” feelings. Kudos to you for being vulnerable and honest enough (there’s that word again) to put it out there!
Love this post!! Every single line……from the GPS to the end. Sometimes people think that good enough is not enough (and by people I mean myself and likely some other people)…. But recognizing that enough is enough….and that there doesn’t have to be more…. Yes, maybe it does need a life coach.
Wow, yes, and yes!
I also had a vision (who doesn’t?) of what it would be like to be married, owning a home, with a child and being a great little family. Then I had a high-spirited child also that literally cried for hours every day and didn’t sleep until 2 am for the first 16 weeks of her life, and then slowly got it back to 10 pm by 9 months…phew I was exhausted. Our idea of having another went out the window when she was all we could handle, and I constantly questioned everything I did, since the “normal” parenting advice didn’t seem to work, so what was wrong with me?!?! For years we struggled, then finally this year we found out she is high-functioning-autistic AKA, Asperger’s (she just turned 11). Therapy is helping me cope, I’m learning to grieve the life and child that I never had, and move forward. We all need help, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Thank you for this beautiful post that hit home for me. I struggle with serious mommy guilt for having a demanding career that sometimes leaves me depleted at the end of the day to give the time and love to my kids the way I want to. Why does it feel like motherhood has to be our center, our everything, as women? I feel guilty for loving my job. It’s stupid! I’m teaching my kids independence and helping others through my work. I don’t want my daughter to ever lose her fierceness, her independent spirit. And I don’t want her to ever think that her sole purpose in growing up needs to be being a mom. Motherhood is a PIECE of my center, but so is being a runner. Sometimes I also then feel guilty for being gone multiple hours on Saturday mornings for my long runs as I train for a marathon. But I know that I am being a positive role model for both my kids about the importance of being healthy, active, and finding your passion. Anyway, thanks again!
Great post, Heather. It strikes a chord with me. Good luck on your marathon!
Beautiful message for us all. Follow the plan. Remember your true goals. Stop believing every little ridiculous things (and lame, mean-hearted, negative) that pops in our mother heads. Bravery looks good on you. Oh, and love the photo of you on the swings…how the angle of the shot makes you look smaller than your young child. How’s that for a metaphor. The angle we view ourselves in relation to our children can be distorting.
Honestly I really needed to read this today. I’ve been struggling with motherhood as I to definitely feel most like myself and at peace when I’m out running or sitting with a coffee at some coffee shop. Stolen moments of peace. I love my kids, but being a parent and the guilt that goes with it and worry is at times overwhelming. It makes me feel less like a bad mom knowing others feel this way to.
Your post is a life coach session for us all. So glad you could see you were already doing what you want to be doing with your children. That important priority is difficult enough to maintain without adding the heavy burden of guilt, but it seems to me those who feel it are usually the ones who are doing a pretty good job (I hope that makes sense). Thank you for being willing to share that you are nervous. For someone so capable and achieving to admit such a thing makes me feel less unworthy and alone. Thank you for sharing.
I feel like you just acted as my own personal life coach by putting all that into one post. Wow, thank you, Heather, for putting all that out there. We mothers too often forget that other mothers are going through the same things and have the same type of guilt. Thank you, thank you, thank you!