Sarah and Daphne when there were smiles along the mile.
In this recurring feature, we’ve met Christy, who faced the dilemma of running midday in her work bra–or none at all; we’ve followed Kelin after she slipped on a banana peel at Mile 20 of a marathon (true story!); and we’ve debated with Lisa whether or not to drop out of a race. Today’s it’s time to turn the camera around and focus it on…me.
A few months ago, Daphne, my seven-year-old daughter, was super-keen on going running with me. She and her twin brother went running with me a few times last summer, but it had been a few months. She’d played soccer all fall and Daphne is made of muscle, so I knew she was good for at least a mile.
It was spitting rain and about 50 degrees: not ideal running weather. But Daphne is a native Oregonian, not turned off by a little precipitation. To give the run have a bit of a purpose, I suggested we run over to Piper’s house, where big-sis Phoebe was sleeping over. We had fun on the way over, dodging puddles and cawing at crows.
Nature girl Daphne on a sunny walk last spring.
But after finding no one home at Piper’s house [they had gone out for breakfast], the wind was taken out of Daphne’s 7-year-old sails. She wanted to walk home, which I refused to do: The rain was falling harder, and the wind had picked up. I wanted to get home ASAP. With no phone to call for a ride, our best option, as I saw it, was to run home. This prompted much whining, foot dragging, and even tears from Daphne. But home we had to go.
What would you do?
Dimity answers: Tough situation, SBS. I know what I would’ve like to have done—been sympathetic but firm at the same time—but I probably would’ve resorted to bribing her. Before I did that, though, I probably would’ve tried to make a game out of it: run this block, walk the next one. Or do math problems (my kids are nerdy that way). Or play games, like “D my name is Daphne and I live in Delaware, where I sell dolphins and live with my husband, Dave.” When those tricks either wore off or didn’t work, I’d probably resort to bribing, offering hot chocolate with marshmellows if she could make it to the end without whining anymore.
What Sarah did: At first I cajoled and encouraged Daphne to run, not walk, but the wetter and colder I got, the more I morphed into a drill sergeant. Even when Daphne started to cry, I kept urging her to run. (Some might even call it “shouting” or “yelling” instead of “urging.”) We had covered the 14 blocks many times, but the distance hadn’t seemed so interminable since our stroller days with Daphne and her twin brother, John, wailing at the top of their lungs. Rationally, I knew I was being a horrible parent, but I had switched to irrational mode. I was a woman on a mission: Must.Get.Home.
What happened: Daphne was miserable the entire way (about a half-mile), and I was fuming, but we got home. I deposited Daphne inside, and ran four miles solo to blow off steam. I later apologized to my dear daughter, but it’s taken several months for Daphne to ask to run with me again.
What would you, another mother runner, do?
And if you’ve got a running-related moment you’d like some clarity on, via WWAMRD, feel free to email us at runmother [at] gmail [dot] com. Thanks!
Well……running with kids, which I do pretty often, has to be about the kids. I want my son (and eventually my daughter) to want to run with me. So, I would have done anything necessary to keep it as fun as possible. With no phone, you didn’t have much of a choice, but to run/walk home. But I would have followed a lot of Dimity’s ideas, games and bribes. My son will run much further if I am willing to ask him endless questions about Mindcraft. Dire weather conditions would have produced some tales of running heroics, mine, others, fabricated – doesn’t matter. I feel no shame at all about bribing kids to run. Don’t we all run faster/better/longer with new shoes or some other grown-up treat? Running with kids can be completely crazy-making. To me, the rewards are worth it, but the kids have to be having fun.
Good grief, I hope that doesn’t make me sound too obnoxious.
It’s been a while since I’ve had little ones but I would have tried to find a neighbor house (or even garage or carport) to wait out the heavy rain and try to find a kind soul to lend a phone to call home for a ride. And of course, I would have also gone out for a solo run just as soon as the chance came my way and said kid was deposited back home safely.
I run with my daughter Shea (you two met her a few years back) and she cries after mile one. I make her keep going. I feel mean. I put my Garmin watch on an interval. One minute run, 30 seconds walk. So she knows that 30 second walk is coming up.
I would have walked. Your daughter’s impressionable spirit is far more important than your need to run. Walking wouldn’t have killed you.
Easy to say. Tougher to do some days. Sometime, being a good mom is being fun, encouraging, etc. Sometimes, it’s just making it through.
Well said Elana!
Honestly, I probably would have ended up in a similar situation with the “urging” (this is like urging them to clean their room for the umpteenth time, right?). It’s easier to Monday morning quarterback something like this, and I’m sure this is going to happen to me and my 8 year old at some point.
What I have done when he’s lolligagging (in much better weather, so it doesn’t feel like a hassle being out) is run ahead a few stride and loop around him. Keeps me moving and warm, and if he wants to walk (and be cold) then so be it. Plus, Mom gets in a bit more distance than the kiddo, without kiddo overdoing it on the run.
I like the idea of the run being about the kids… But I want it to be about me. :) We live in a pretty safe area and my youngest daughter is older than eight. Assuming she can easily cover the distance (but just doesn’t want to) and I’ve already been understanding and sympathetic to her desire to quit (and explained why she shouldn’t). I’d simply let her walk home by herself – and make sure she understood that I’d be warm and dry LONG before her. On the other hand, I’d probably end up stalking her to make sure she was safe anyway. She’d walk home, not as “punishment”, but as her chosen way to complete the distance.
When my youngest was 4 she wanted to be included in a very festival local run as her older siblings were taking part of, a 5k through our downtown. My husband ran with her as well as put her on his shoulders throughout the race. She had the best time. They were even photographed together @ the halfway point with the best smiles. The very next year, she couldn’t wait to run it again; however it was hubby’s turn to run with the older kids. Unfortunately she woke up on the wrong side of the bed the morning of the race and didn’t want to run. After much prayer and reflecting on how much she will love it once she starts, I came up with a bribe, that didn’t involve food. Using my watch, I told her she will earn $1 for every minute she runs and nothing for walking. I ended up paying her $28, we all got to participate as a family. And today I can proudly say that as a freshman in high school she ran cross country for her varsity team and runs all the local races with her mom.
My son just turned 9. I’ve been exactly in that situation (halfway through a run, quit and would only walk)
I believe I got angry. Then tried not to be angry.
Then I threatened to sing along to my iPod if we walked all the way back. This is also my fighting in the car threat. Doesn’t say much about my voice, but it is a very effective parenting strategy.
This is the best parenting advice I have ever heard! Will be putting into practice immediately. :)
I hate to say it but I would have given in and walked with her, and hoped that eventually I could cajole her to start running. Having been on many runs with my daughter I know that some times trying to get her to run was harder than doing the walking. In principle I completely agree with sticking to your guns, but when my daughter gets disappointed (e.g. Piper not being home) she gets unbearably emotional and sullen, and add miserable weather on top of that…would have been a deal breaker. My goal would have been to minimize the complaints on the way back home.
Last summer my then 7 year old son Connor wanted to run with me. I thought, no more then a mile, I’ll take him home and I can finish my run. After a mile, he begged me to go further…well a mile later and he was done! And now we are further from home, so I told him we would do a walk/run “like a game” to motivate him. He wasn’t diggin the game. Yes, looking back I was getting angry and I told myself “never again”…now when he “runs” with me he rids his bike and it goes more smoother!!! :)
That is a hard one! SBS, I would have done what you did. Disappointment is one thing, but I get easily frustrated/disgusted with whining. (My mom claims we kids never whined. I am now convinced she simply tuned it out.) Right now, I am helping my daughter do a kids’ marathon one mile at a time, with a chart on the fridge and incentives at different mile markers.
Tough one. been there. done that. “urging” LOL I dig it. You did what worked in the moment. you are human. as forgiving as we as mother’s are of tantrums, I think you showed your daughter you are human. the fact that you apologized I think taught her a lesson too. Moms get frustrated. If I had my wits about me I probably would have made it a game or bribed my kid with hot chocolate as another mother suggested, but I also would have explored the piggy back option for a block or two just to be silly.
14 blocks in Portland in the rain? I’d have been all over the ‘urging’ after the fun attempts didn’t work out. Had you been a couple miles away, sure, a different approach could have been taken but 1/2 mile of ‘hop to it’ is no biggie!
The get-out-of-bed-eous muscle, my previously unknown muscle that aids my ability to actually drag myself awake on early mornings to get my runs in. Its 4:28 now! What a strong muscle!
As a brand new runner, I brought my cranky teenager along on my second 5k last summer. Here’s my blog entry about it: http://atleastweknow.wordpress.com/2012/06/25/race-2-no-pie/
Great post about the reality of being mothers, runners and living in Oregon! Last year my son wanted to do a 5K with me. It was incredibly hot, we ran out of water and after a mile he was whining and ready to quit. After some “urging” moments, I took a deep breath and made a game out of the course cones. We would run for 5 cones, then walk for 5, etc. It drove me crazy, and it took us forever, but he’s ready to do it again this year and has recently started running a mile loop with me. Insert “frustrating kid moment” for Sarah’s run in the rain, and we’ve all been there. Which is why most of us treasure our solo runs too :)
When running a longer distance, I always end up having to depend on my “GU-oleus” to fuel me in the right direction. :)
Sorry, I posted to the wrong article. My bad….
I would like to say I would do like Dimity suggested – try to make a game out of it, try to distract the disheartened child. But I know for sure I would react more like Sarah – in fact, that’s usually how it ended up when I would have my son tag along when he was around that age. It usually ended with an unhappy boy and even unhappier mother. Where are those endorphins when you need them?
When my daughters were 7, we probably would have ended up run/walking home, getting fully drenched in the process. I’m sure I would have had to carry one or the other on my back along the way, too. It’s a tough predicament because your only thought is to get home as fast as possible (to avoid someone getting sick, I imagine). Now, at age 11, if it happened again, they would leave me in their muddy wake. Cheer up, SBS, she won’t hold it against you forever!
I ran a 5K with my daughter last year. it was an increidibly minor race, just on a footpath next to a road. It was so crazy hot that she whined after about 1/4 of a mile. and whined, and whined. When she finally asked if we could turn around, I was like “YES WE CAN!”
I think we ran about 3/4 of a mile total. it was more than enough.
that said, she just finished her first triathalon (by herself) this past weekend. she’s 7, too. it can be done, I think the motivation just has to be there.
My daughter (age 5) is training for a kids race at Disney. She needs to run a mile and we’ve been working on that. When she runs with her Daddy she runs as hard as she can (he is the enforcer of discipline). She often wants to join me for my runs, but when she runs with me, however, she often wants to give up and walk. What I have started doing (I run in the evening) is I will go do my run and then I meet her back at the house for my cool-down. She and I take off for her mile and when she walks, I tell her she has one minute that she can walk before we’re starting back. When she gets tired, we repeat. When she wants to only walk, I tell her there are two big glasses of chocolate milk waiting for us at the house when we are done, but only runners get to have chocolate milk at night. She views this as a treat so she picks up the pace. :) Then, when we finish, we sit on the porch swing and drink our chocolate milk together.
i love this!! the special ‘runners only’ bribe is great.
sigh. we have had this experience. i’ve had the good experience of my daughter really taking it on herself to push her limits and also the whiny ‘my feet hurt’ after 20 feet. i’m no help. i try to just be positive, but sometimes i just lose it and act human. :)
My four year old wants to run with me all the time. Until we get to the end of the cul-de-sac. Then her feet hurt and she’s crying. It irks me. I know she’s only four, but there’s this part of me that is like, “Don’t ask to run with me if you don’t want to!” I try and make a game of having little races in the yard with both kids, that way if they’re done, they can do something else. I want to approach it the encouraging way I would if someone told me they wanted to pick up running but they were afraid, but instead I just end up frustrated.
Usually I am REALLY good at running with my kids-making it a good experience for them and working through their frustrations and challenges.
Though sadly that wasn’t the case when I ran into this same issue a week ago. I’m a little embarrassed to say that I turned boot-camp on my 11yr old, though I will give myself credit for waiting through lots of whining and complete stopping form her to get to that point. Not even a mile from home (and this child has run multiple 5ks) and she was crying that it was too hard. After hearing “mom, I CAN’T” for the thousandth time I finally snapped. I pointed out the fact that she had bellyached through her last 5k (that she begged to run) and me dragging her along at a 10min pace, she had busted out a stinkin’ 6:30 pace for the last 1/4 mi once she could see how close we were to the finish-I couldn’t keep up with her! So the fact that she kept telling me “I can’t” on an easy run was ridiculous. Plus she now knows that if she need a break it is perfectly acceptable to walk, but stopping dead in her tracks is NOT ok.
It was a good learning experience for both of us. Turns out she was ticked that she didn’t run her mile test at school as fast as my younger son so she was mad about that and just decided she didn’t want to run because it doesn’t come easy to her, when just about everything else in life does. I’m hoping to turn this into a positive for both of us, especially on the side of teaching her that she needs to run her own race and not compare herself to anyone else and for goodness sake keep moving forward! And I’m hoping I go forward more patiently and with more understanding, willing to listen a little more to figure out the issue instead of just pushing to keep moving forward.